Madness

I received a music CD as a gift. But trying to open the packaging raised several pertinent questions:

• Why are the CD cases hermetically sealed, as if the disc might get stale if exposed to air? I mean, seriously, it took me nearly 15 minutes to get the clingy plastic wrap off the darned CD box. Personally I wouldn't mind if my CD wasn't as moist or chewy.
• And why, after removing the plastic wrapper, is there yet another thicker, sticky seal on the case? I mean, I’ve gotten medicine bottles with childproof caps open in less time and with more ease!  I've gotten a date out of his clothes in less time... oh wait; nevermind. 
• Why should I need scissors, a steak knife, a box cutter, and the jaws of life to open a CD case??  Its ridiculous!

In discussing this dilemma with a cop/friend of mine it was suggested that its all to prevent theft.  

Imagine a shoplifter wanting to steal a CD in a store. The case won't fit in a pocket, and if it could it would likely be visible due to its sharp corners. Then you've got the RFID thing buried somewhere in the case, so you'd have to somehow avoid that scanner.  So the only way to steal the disc is to remove it from the case.  Hence the need for the jaws of life to liberate that CD, but who's going to be silly enough to try that in a store?

While I understand downloading music to one's phone is the latest trend, its not the best option in some situations.  If you want to listen to music while doing something active (loading the dishwasher, undecorating your Christmas tree, etc) you have to have your phone on your person with earbuds that can get caught on your hands/arms or other things. In that scenario its easier to put a CD on your CD player.

Absent

I've been intentionally absent in discussing the recent terrorist attack in Paris and the Syrian refugee crisis here on my blog.  As is usually the case with everything political, its exhausting to me to see on Facebook and hear on the news the unfair generalizations, misinformation, and mischaracterizations.  So if you're looking for information on these things I suggest you look elsewhere.  Lord knows everyone's talking about them.

I can't. 

Keeping it local

Spouse & I decided we wanted an electric space heater.  

This was last Fri, Feb 13, still very much wintertime, even here at the beach.  So we went to Lowe's, where we'd seen heaters before, but they had none on this visit.  Next we went to Home Depot, but they had none either.  Finally we went to Walmart only to find they had none as well.

As I mentioned, its mid-February and still very much wintertime, yet no space heaters were available for purchase.

But do you know what they had in the store where the space heaters had been??

Grass seed.  Fertilizer.  Patio furniture. 

Remember that its winter and the temperatures have been below freezing at least at night.  There is no point in spreading grass seed on frozen ground, and it will be at least 2-3 months before anyone around here will be able to use outdoor furniture.

The same thing happens in other stores.  A few years ago I tried to find a pair of navy shorts in early July.  Nearly all the clothing stores had their winter coats and sweaters out.  Not a single pair of navy shorts in any size to be found.

Last Sept I went to the Dollar Tree and they had Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas merchandise in the store all at the same time.  In Sept.  This rushing of the seasons is equally annoying to me.  Who wants to buy Christmas cookie tins and have them sit around for 3 months?

This begs the questions:  Why do stores insist on selling out and not replenishing seasonal items when they are still in season?  Why do stores insist on filling up the shelves and isles with merchandise people can't use for 2-3 months?  Whose interests does this serve?  Certainly not the public's.

So Fri night Spouse & I returned home and I ordered an electric space heater from Amazon.com.  There were multiple brands and models to choose from, and with our Prime membership the shipping was free and they promised delivery by Sun.  It arrived on Sun as promised.

I normally try to shop locally because it invests in retailers who provide local jobs for people in my local community.  But I couldn't help but think about the fact that my local retailers don't seem nearly as concerned with providing me with seasonal merchandise as I am to support their stores and employees.  

Maybe this is the new reality.  Maybe brick-n-mortar stores will just provide next season's merchandise for those who really want to plan ahead, and those of us who want in-season merchandise will just obtain it from afar.  I hadn't been thinking that way, but I am now.

Mood indigo

My weekend was kind of backwards.  Typically I work on Saturdays and am off (most) Sundays, but this weekend I was inexplicably scheduled off on Sat and scheduled to be in the office on Sun.

Although off Sat I did actually meet with a client and showed her 2 townhomes between 10-11:30, then headed home.  I was hoping Spouse & I could take advantage of this oddity of my schedule and do something fun or different, but didn't care for any of my ideas for things to do during the day.

I suggested that we might check out a comedy show that night that my clients had earnestly recommended.  "They said it was hilarious" I told him.  He countered back by asking if they were old, white, straight people.  I confirmed they were indeed all of the above, to which he said "no thanks".

That's when it started.

I said "You know, days like this make me frustrated.  I'm off on a Sat and I suggest we do something fun or different but you don't want to.  I suggest a comedy show that comes highly recommended, but you don't want to.  In fact, nearly every time I suggest things to do, you don't want to.  You never want to do anything other than eat out and watch TV."

"We went to the movies Fri night!" he countered.  "Yes, because I told you I wanted to see that movie about 2 dozen times before it even came out.  And when was the last time we went to the movies prior to that?"

Silence.

"I've suggested trying out Furst Friday, happy hour, karaoke night, concerts, plays, and you reject them all.  You bailed on me for Deb's birthday party and for Tim & Randy's holiday party, so I ended up going alone.  Staying home and watching TV is fine sometimes, but I don't want to forgo all social activities to do that."

"Fine.  I don't care anymore" he responded.

"What does that mean?  You don't care about what?"

Silence.  He was finished listening and talking.  The discussion was over.  He shut down.

While 'opposites' may 'attract', they don't necessarily cooperate or compromise.  I guess I have been feeling lately that I am the only one doing any cooperating or compromising.  

So we left each other alone for the rest of the day to languish in our mood indigo.  Around 6pm Steve texted to see if we wanted to go out to dinner, so we did.  

I knew Spouse would get over his anger with me, and I would get over my frustration with him.  But those things needed to be said.  I needed him to know how I am feeling, that I'm not satisfied to sit at home every night.  I want to try new things.  Maybe they'll be great fun and maybe they'll be duds, but at least we got out there and tried them.

Asshole behavior, part 2

A couple years ago I shared the discovery of 5 open jars of peanut butter in our kitchen, which lead to a laughter-inducing conversation about "asshole behavior".  

You know, people who use the last of the toilet paper or paper towels but don't replace the role?  Yeah, that's asshole behavior.  Well I think its time to add some additional examples:

• not pushing your chair or stool in when you get up from the table or breakfast bar
• tossing trash in the direction of the trash can but not picking it up when you miss
• never, EVER opening mail addressed to you, but then getting upset when you miss a deadline
• opening a new deodorant/tube of toothpaste/bottle of shampoo when there is still some in the existing container
• leaving the car's gas gauge on empty when you know someone else will drive it the next day
• not using air freshener after you've used the bathroom
• trying on an item of clothing, deciding it doesn't fit right, and then tossing it into the dirty clothes hamper rather than hanging it up (which is why I only wash my own clothes now)
• waiting until company has arrived and is ready to go to bed to ask "Are there clean sheets on the guest room beds?"

When Spouse exhibits asshole behavior from time to time I will call him on it.  He looks as me with a quizzical face as if he doesn't understand, so I explain to him what he's done.  In detail.

Eating out

If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you already know that Spouse & I tend to eat out a lot.

Its not because we have a quest to try every new restaurant that opens here in the resort area we call home.  Its mostly because we're lazy and often don't feel like cooking.

If only I had a penny for every time I asked Spouse where he wants to eat and he replied "I don't care - where do you want to go".  Although this may sound like I get to pick the restaurant, that's not really true because after listing 3 or 4 different options for him, he will often say "Uuuuhhh, how about..." and then he says the name of some place I had not suggested.  In reality he's not giving me option to choose the restaurant, he just wants me to list some to jog his memory so he can then pick something else that suddenly comes to mind.

At one point when asked where I wanted to eat I simply said "I don't care - you choose.  You're just going to pick something different after I choose anyway."  He seemed stunned at first, as if he hadn't realized that's what he'd been doing.  But then he tried to turn it into a joke so I knew he understood.

So nowadays I will say something like "Oh, I really have a taste for ______" and name some place I'd like to go, and he will often follow suit.  Somehow him believing that I've been anticipating going to a particular place makes a difference to him, which is good I guess.  It shows he cares!

Busy

Since I live and work in a beach/resort area, I assumed that shortly after Labor Day when "the season" was over, there would be fewer visitors and work would slow down from the hectic summer pace. I was wrong.

Its Oct and work has still been quite busy; so much so that I've had trouble taking a full day off. I was supposed to be off today, but the offer I presented a few days ago was countered by the seller last evening, so today I was on the phone with my buyers discussing the counter, their options and our strategy. Then I spoke with another client and eventually had to go into office to send some documents to the 1st buyers and schedule property showings for next day for the 2nd buyers. This seems to happen every time I try to take a day off.

I know I shouldn't complain. I mean, how many people start a brand new career in real estate and in just over 6 months are so busy they have a hard time having a real, full day off? I'm lucky to be this busy, but at times it gets a little frustrating.

Hypocrites

I've said it before but I feel compelled to say it again: Republicans are such hypocrites! Its so frustrating.

I can hardly stand to watch politics anymore because of the hypocritical behavior of so many Republicans in office. They're always calling for smaller government, tax breaks, and cutting spending. Yet when a natural disaster strikes they expect to have the full support of the government to aid their recovery.

How do they think the government can provide aid to towns, cities, and states affected by natural disasters if the government is smaller and all budgets have been reduced? Taxes, budgets and government employees are there for a reason!

I can't think about it anymore or I'll vomit.

Being late

I'm not fanatical about it, but I really try not to be late.

Running late makes me feel nervous or stressed. It also causes people to be careless and take unnecessary risks while driving. I prefer to avoid those feelings by leaving a little earlier than I need to.
Obviously some tardiness can't be avoided, like traffic accidents that temporarily shut down a roadway or having to return home to change clothes after spilling food or drink on one's self.

When we lived in DC most people were tolerant of occasional tardiness because of the horrible traffic. A 5 mile drive could take you 10 minutes or an hour, depending on the time of day and weather. I always allowed myself extra time so I would sometimes arrive early if the traffic was smooth. But no one gets stressed out over being early!

I believe most tardiness is preventable by simply planning to be on time or (god forbid) a few minutes early. Whether its pressing the snooze button on the alarm several times, or people who have just never been required to be on time, I find chronic lateness to be inconsiderate and rude and mostly avoidable.

I really, REALLY find it irritating when someone hosting a meeting addresses those who have arrived on time saying "We'll get started in 5 or 10 minutes in case people are running late." REALLY??? You're willing to waste the time of everyone who managed to arrive on time by postponing the start of a meeting for those who did not plan to arrive on time?

Spouse is chronically late. I tell him he'll be late to his own funeral. With my sensitivity to lateness and his tendency toward it, this has become source of frustration for us on a number of occasions. Since I am in charge of our social calendar, I sometimes tell him we're supposed to be somewhere 15 minutes earlier so we won't be late. Sometimes he catches on so I have to be clever.

The letter

As a follow-up on this post, yesterday I mailed the letter I wrote to the construction company in charge of building the house across the street. I also mailed a copy of the letter to the City. Both should arrive today.

I would love to share the entire 2-page letter with you, but since Blogger won't allow me to paste the text (from any source) into a post, you're not going to get to. I'm too lazy to retype the letter, so I'll just share with you the 3 bolded items I requested of the builder:

1. Immediately discontinue using private property (mine and my neighbor's) without permission
2. Immediately discontinue blocking our street with construction vehicles, personal vehicles driven by construction workers, and vehicles driven by subcontractors
3. Immediately commence using the 'regular' street to access the construction site instead of using our 'irregular' and inappropriate street

I'm not fooling myself into thinking I can 'make' them do what I request, but since the City received a copy of the letter I'm hoping the City will contact the construction company as well.

I'm not trying to be a jerk. I just don't want my property used without my permission or damaged, and I don't want to be blocked from leaving or entering my driveway or receiving mail, deliveries, or emergency services if the need should arise. The construction company has a more appropriate means of accessing the construction site that would eliminate all of my concerns so I trying to get them to take advantage of that.

Some people complain about things without DOING anything to fix them. Not me.

Don't make me get all ignorant up in here

The people who own the vacant lot diagonally across the street from us are preparing to build a house there. They've owned the lot since before we moved here 4 years ago, but are just now starting to build. Maybe they're getting ready to retire.

Last week the construction company leveled the lot, then this week they dug the footers for the foundation and cut down a beautiful old tree at the property line. But all is not well.

The lot faces a 'regular' street (ie: 2-way traffic, on-street parking, curbs and sidewalks) and backs to our 'irregular' street (ie: single lane, 1-way traffic, no on-street parking, no curbs or sidewalks), so for the life of me I don't understand why all of the construction traffic uses our little irregular street to access the lot.

Several times this week they delivered and picked up pieces of construction equipment on a flatbead trailer. Each time they did so the truck and trailer completely blocked the street of all traffic. This means that if the mail, UPS, FedEx, propane suppliers or god forbid an ambulance were to come, they'd have to wait for the delivery or pick up to conclude for the street to be passable again. This is completely unnecessary since they could use the 'regular' street!

When they cut down the beautiful old tree they brought it down in the street and in our side yard, blocking the street of all traffic again and without our permission to use our yard to cut the tree into smaller pieces to feed into the chipper. Then a subcontractor parked his pick-up truck and trailer into our driveway for an hour or so, again without permission. Again, this is completely unnecessary since there is sufficient on-street parking on the 'regular' street!

So, I've decided to write a letter to the construction company, asking them to stop using our street to access the lot and instead use the more suitable street. I'm also going to cite the uses of our personal property (yard and driveway) without permission and inform them that future unauthorized uses will result in a call to the police.

I'm really NOT trying to be a jerk about this, but as I'm learning in real estate school, unauthorized use of one's property can result in a liability to me, the property owner. If a construction worker continued to use my property and tripped, fell and cracked his head open, he could sue me! And if he parked a vehicle in my driveway that caught on fire he could sue me. Although seemingly far-fetched, these things have happened. And although seemingly unfair, the law allows for such suits.

I am not willing to be made vulnerable in this way, and I do not believe my neighbors and I should be inconvenienced needlessly when a much more suitable means of accessing the building lot exists. So I'm writing the letter to the construction company and sending a copy to the City building officer. I'll keep you posted.

American Idol

Tonight begins season 10 of American Idol. I've set my DVR since I don't plan to watch it live.

I written many times about my dislike for all the unnecessary talking from the judges. Some constructive feedback would be great, but it seems like there's only about 11 minutes of singing in an hour of this show. Honestly, I don't know how the judges even come up with so much NOTHING to say. Perhaps this season will be a little better since 2 out of the 3 judges are new. But I'm going to DVR the show and fast-forward through all the unnecessary talking. Last season we didn't have a DVR so I just avoided the show altogether.

Technically the real show doesn't start for a few more weeks. Tonight begins the casting episodes which I just can't force myself to watch because I know they are totally bogus. Several years ago a friend of mine tried out for American Idol and learned the truth. Singers are eliminated as they pass through about 5 levels of auditions before they ever see the judges. So, when you watch the casting episodes and you hear contestants who can't carry a tune if it were handed to them in a bushel basket singing in front of the judges, its fake. Its staged. The producers intentionally push these untalented people through to the judges just so they'll have something outrageous for the casting episodes. This really rubs me the wrong way so I boycott the casting episodes and will only start watching the DVR'd episodes once the contestants actually get to Hollywood.

A most unpleasant task

The time had finally come so today I had to register at the unemployment office, a most unpleasant task.

Since I'd never been there before and wasn't sure exactly where it was, I entered the address from the website into mapquest before leaving the house. However, when I got to the street the addresses didn't match up. The bldg numbers were 5 digits and the one I was looking for was 3 digits. Since the numbers were getting smaller, I continued driving up the street. When I realized I was no longer in the same town, my suspicions were confirmed that the mapquest directions were sh*t. Fortunately I was able to reach a friend on the phone who gave me the correct directions. I arrived at the office at 10:30.

As if your spirits aren't low enough to begin with heading into the unemployment office, the office itself couldn't possibly be any more bleak. Large fluorescent light fixtures, dingy beige walls and asbestos tile floor, and hard plastic chairs appropriately sized for 9 year old girls placed too close together for anyone's comfort, the legs of which were latched together so they couldn't be moved. A sign on the door instructs visitors to take a number and complete the paperwork while you wait to be seen.

They were serving number 95 when I arrived, and my number was 55. When they reached 100 the numbers started over again, which meant there were 60 people in line ahead of me. Apparently the recent extension of unemployment benefits had resulted in a boatload of people coming into the office to apply for extensions. F*ck. Me. Hard.

Being the eternal optimist that I am, I told myself that there were 6 clerks working today and that the numbers would go by quickly. I was wrong. I waited 3 hours for my number to be called, despite the fact that several people apparently gave up and left. There were several times when numbers were called and no one got up to be served.

A private security guard milled around, occasionally chatting with the clerks and occasionally informed applicants that they were not allowed to stand. That's right, not allowed to stand! Several applicants were told by the security guard they would have to take a seat.

Some applicants brought their children with them, and at 1 point the children and some other non-related adults were apparently talking too loud for the comfort of 1 of the clerks who stood up and make a loud "Ssssssshhhhhhhh" sound at them.

I was completely appalled by the cavalier, lackadaisical attitude of 5 of the 6 clerks. Only 1 clerk processed the applicants quickly and efficiently. The other 5 would process and applicant, then get up and disappear for 10-15 minutes. 1 clerk did this, then returned to her desk, shuffled some papers around, put on hand lotion, walked over to the window and looked out, then returned to her desk and had a personal conversation complete with laughter with the clerk to her left. Another clerk would process 1 applicant, then slide over behind the cubicle partition (out of sight) for 10-15 minutes, then slide back over and take another applicant. It was as if they felt absolutely no urgency at all, despite the room full of applicants waiting hours for service. As if the 3 hour wait wasn't long enough, this terrible inefficiency made the wait excruciating.

The processing of my claim took barely 2 minutes, as I had filled out the paperwork completely and legibly. The clerk just needed to ask me some questions (which could have been on the paperwork for me to fill out myself) and the process of calling in weekly was explained to me. Then as I was about to breathe a sigh of relief that it was all over, the clerk notified me that I now needed to go to the office across the hallway to register with Employment & Training! F*ck. Me. Harder.

I filled out more repetitious paperwork and was then instructed to sit at 1 of the computers and follow the tutorial for entering my info into the system. This appeared to be so that employers could search the unemployment applicants and vice versa to fill vacancies. Once this was completed an hour later, I was instructed to wait for a counsellor to call my name. 10 minutes later I was escorted into the counsellor's office who confirmed my address, SSN, and asked if I wanted to stay in the same industry. I lied and said yes even though my intent is to become a realtor, but I want to collect unemployment while I'm in school and not earning money so I figured it really didn't matter. She gave me websites to use for job searching and signed off on my application, which took an additional 20 minutes.

I arrived at 10:30 am and left at 3:00 pm: 4 and 1/2 f*cking hours to register for unemployment benefits! Thank god I only have to do it once. I'd have to be severely medicated to go back there again.

Pesky pets

Our pets drove me crazy last night/early this morning.

It started last night with Pouncer the Wondercat. A few minutes after we'd gone to bed I heard his little pads on the hardwood floor as he entered our bedroom. (God forbid we close the bedroom door again or he'd sit outside it and meow for hours.) I felt him hop up onto the bed, which is fine, and assumed he'd settle at the foot of the bed as he often does.

But for some reason, he kept walking around all over the bed. Each time he'd walk close to me it would pull the sheet taut over me and keep me from being able to fall asleep. Then he came up next to me and started licking my arm. I slid my arm under the sheet and he started licking my shoulder. I pulled the sheet up to my chin, leaving nothing exposed but my head, so he started licking my hair. (Licking humans shows affection.)

I spoke to him as I've done before, telling him it was time to go to sleep and to go lay down. For some reason he didn't want to, and instead kept walking around on the bed. Finally he settled down and I dosed off.

I don't know how much time passed, but I was awakened by Pouncer standing next to my shoulder purring loudly. I got kind of mad at him for waking me up so I scooped him up with one hand and lowered him onto the floor. But before I could drift off to sleep again I felt him hop back up onto the bed. This time he settled at the foot of the bed and I returned to slumberland.

Sometime later Jordan (the dog) woke me up with her nails tapping on the floor. Apparently she had an itch and as she scratched it her nails kept tapping on the wood floor. Then she shook her head back and forth, causing her metal ID and inoculation tags to jingle like jingle bells. Eventually I drifted off again.

Sometime later Jordan woke me up again when she sneezed several times.

As is the pattern, before Spouse left for work in the morning he let Jordan outside to pee. I normally get up about 1/2 hour later. After being outside this morning, Jordan came back upstairs to the bedroom with her nails tick-tick-ticking on the wood floor. Normally she lays down and doses until I've had my shower and we go downstairs together, but this morning she just kept walking around.

Into the bathroom with her nails tick-tick-ticking on the tile floor. Back into the bedroom with her nails tick-tick-ticking on the wood floor. Out into the hallway with her nails tick-tick-ticking on the wood floor. Back into the bedroom, back into the bathroom, back into the bedroom. It was as if she knew she was keeping me from sleeping and enjoyed every second of it!

I finally got so mad at her for keeping me awake I yelled at her "Get in your bed!" She did and the house returned to quiet, but it was too late. I was awake. I looked at the clock and decided to get up even though I should have been able to sleep a few more minutes.

So today I decided to pay her back by coughing and slamming drawers loudly to wake her up whenever I see her sleeping. Ha ha... that'll teach that b*tch who's boss!

Crush du Jour: Stephan Weiler

Cell phone trials

My company issued me a cell phone years ago, which I rarely (but occasionally) use for work purposes, but mostly use for personal purposes. The company has a 'plan' so we have unlimited minutes and I don't receive a bill or anything.

Last week the display screen started acting funny. Sometimes when I flipped the phone open the screen would have lines running through it or would only partially display. If I opened and closed it a few times quickly I found that it would often resolve.

Then last week when I flipped it open the display screen just came up white. Uh oh...
Because the majority of the phone's functionality comes from the display screen, this became a big problem. I can't access my stored phone numbers. I can't access voice mail messages. I can't access missed calls. I can't turn the ringer off. The only thing I can do is dial numbers manually and receive calls.

So I contacted the company cell phone guy and explained the situation. He tried contacting our rep at the carrier but learned she was out that day. He called the next day and didn't reach her so he left a voice mail for her. No response for a couple of days, so today he called into the general customer service line for assistance. It was decided that I would go to a local retailer and they would activate a new phone for me and basically 'charge it to the company's plan'. If only it were that simple.

When I got to the retail location they said I needed 2 out of 3 pieces of info: my phone number, a PIN, or the social security number of the administrator who set up the account. Jeez... of course I only had my phone number. I had no clue about a PIN, and the administrator who set up the corporate account left the company 3 years ago. They said that if I wanted to purchase the phone outright they could pull the SIM card from my old phone and activate the new one with it. Something told me not to do that.

So when I returned home I notified my company's cell phone guy and he apologized for all my trials. He said he would handle it. About 20 minutes later he emailed me saying he'd ordered the phone and requested express delivery, so I should have my new phone in a few days.

Situations like this are why I resist becoming dependent on technology.

Crush du Jour: Evan Lysacek

Oh the irony

As I mentioned here, my neighbor was told that the entire city-wide street improvement project(which includes our street) was supposed to be done by May 8, or June 27. The correct date depends on who you talk to.

All of the other streets are getting much simpler improvements. As I've walked the dog I noticed in some cases they ripped out broken/crumbling curbs and replaced them with new ones. In some cases they removed sections of cracked asphalt (leaving them with loose gravel and dirt) and will replace the street surface. Our street had the most involved work: a complete reconstruction. That is because they completely removed our street, planted drainage pipes, and plan to correct the curvature of the street ("straighten" the street) when they pave it. Someday. Maybe by June 27.

With all the rain we've had, my neighbor got frustrated with the swamp-like condition of our street and called and emailed the city manager. He suggested that if the street was not going to be paved very soon, a temporary fix should be implemented, such as a layer of fine gravel distributed over the street, to mitigate the mud and pooling of rain water. One day last week the construction company delivered the equivalent to a wheel barrow full of gravel and smoothed it over the puddle in front of my neighbor's house. That's it. That's what they felt they could do to mitigate the mud and pooling of rain water.

Despite all the calls and emails from my neighbor and other frustrated residents to finish our street, yesterday the road stripper began working on the street that runs parallel to ours. It stripped off the top layer of asphalt, in preparation to resurface the street.

It is unthinkable to me why the city would allow what used to be our street to remain in this condition while they continue to do construction work on other streets.

Just pave the damn street already!

You may have noticed this has become a real source of frustration to me. This is the 10th week of street reconstruction, and the 6th week since any progress was made on our street. Every time we walk the dog, get the mail, take out the trash, or get into our cars our shoes get muddy/dirty/sandy. Despite wiping our feet thoroughly on the door mats we've still managed to track a beach worth of sand into our house. We now have to leave our shoes on the front porch to keep from ruining our wood floors. I'm really getting sick of it.

Crush du Jour: Brandon Beemer

Workin' my last nerve

Boy oh boy, Jordan was workin' my last nerve yesterday!

When I got up to shower, she was sleeping on her bed on the floor in our bedroom, as usual. When I finished showering and opened the curtain to grab a towel she was pacing around the bathroom, panting, and doing that little half-bark to get my attention. I perceived she needed to pee so I told her ‘okay, just a minute’ while I quickly dried off.

I opened the bedroom door to get my bathrobe from the guestroom closet so I could quickly take her out. I figured the robe would be quicker than getting dressed. As soon as I opened the door she bolted down the stairs. I told her again to ‘wait a minute, I’ll be right there’ while I quickly put on my robe and came down the stairs. I found her squatting and peeing on the doormat at the front door! I swatted her on the head and hollered ‘NO!’ while unlocking the door and letting her out to finish peeing in the yard.

How could she be asleep one minute, and then be absolutely incapable of holding her pee the next minute? I know the steroid injection she got last week makes her thirsty and she drinks more water, but I also think she just got impatient.

After she finished peeing in the yard she came back inside and I took the mat and hung it over the porch railing. Fortunately the mat is rubber-backed, so none of the pee got on the wood floor. Then she was pacing around again, like she wanted to poop, so I put her on the leash and took her outside. In my bathrobe. Apparently she didn't need to poop, she wanted to go for a walk. But I was in a thin, summertime bathrobe and nothing else, so I told her to 'go poop in the yard'. She wouldn’t do it. She just stood on the driveway while I got madder and madder at her. I walked her over into the grass and told her very sternly several times to poop. She just looked away from me and sat down in the grass. For an inkling, I could almost understand how someone could mistreat an animal that was as frustrating as she was at that moment. I entertained the idea of simply going inside and leaving her to roam the streets at will. Surely it wouldn't take long until she became roadkill.

Since she didn't need to poop and I was finished with my summertime bathrobe fashion show for the neighbors, I made her come back inside and back upstairs with me, so I could keep an eye on her while I brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, and got dressed.

Then I fed her and took her for a walk and she acted as if nothing unusual had happened a few minutes ago. She sniffed at everything and wagged her tail as we walked around the block. She finally decided to poop, in our neighbor Brenda’s front yard. The antibiotics have given her very soft, loose poops that are difficult to pick up completely. When I was trying to get as much of it as possible up out of Brenda's grass, I found the plastic poop-scoop bag had a tear in it and I accidentally got some poop on my hand! Yuck!!!

So I immediately brought her home, curtailing her desire to stop and smell everything, so I could wash my hand. I also washed the plastic part of the leash, since my poopy hand had gotten poop on the leash. It was so frustrating, but unfortunately it was not over.

As I washed up, Jordan slurped up a camel's-worth of water before we headed upstairs to my office. As is our routine, she follows me up the stairs and I give her a milk bone and verbal praise for her obedience. She ate it and then laid down to nap. All was well.

An hour or so later she roused herself from her nap and walked out of my office and down the hallway to the entrance of our bedroom. This wasn't alarming to me, since she sometimes migrates from the bare wood floor to an area rug. Since there's no area rug in my office, the one in the hallway seemed the closest, so I kept on working. Sometime later I needed to go to the bathroom so I walked down the hallway and found that Jordan had thrown up on floor next to the area rug. Again I entertained temporary fantasies of retaliation, such as pushing her out the 2nd story window, but instead I cleaned up the vomit and cursed her in my head. But there's more.

Around 3:00 I went downstairs for a drink and to get the mail. Since Jordan followed me downstairs I decided to suggest she go outside and pee, which she did. As a reward for peeing outdoors instead of indoors, I gave her lots of verbal praise and another milk bone. She ate it and slurped up another camel's-worth of water. I put the last few items in the dishwasher, added detergent, and turned it on. As I was walking from the kitchen passed the side door I saw Jordan had thrown up the water and milk bone on the side doormat! This time I considered dropping her off on the doorstep of the local animal shelter (and I wasn't thinking about the 'no-kill' one either), but instead I carefully picked up the rubber-backed mat and hung it over the porch railing, like the other one earlier in the day.

Then I looked at Jordan and said something that intentionally sounded like dialog from a Lifetime movie: "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you ruining my life? All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Is this how you return that love?" But not feeling quite satisfied with that, I put on my 'street' voice and said "You're skatin' on thin ice, Sister. One more false step from you and its curtains. Curtains I tell ya!!!"

I think the 'street' voice was most effective, as she didn't give me anymore trouble the rest of the day.

Drag Queen name of the day: Jewel Reebox