Let them eat (cup)cakes

Spouse and I have been talking a lot and have made some progress on the civil union.

Although I've been planning this event in my head for the last 20 years, I'm only 1/2 of this couple so I am aware that I need to compromise since Spouse and I have such different feelings about this.

I was sort of looking forward to a simple but elegant cake with 2 grooms on top.  But Spouse had the idea that it might be fun to have decorated cupcakes from a gourmet cupcake bakery instead of a traditional cake.  I offered to check out his idea, figuring cupcakes would be way more expensive and he'd say it wasn't worth it.  But to my surprise the cost wasn't bad at all and the nice lady on the phone convinced me to schedule a tasting!

Spouse & I went to the bakery after work tonight for our private tasting.  We got to taste 5 different cupcake flavors and 4 different frosting flavors.  I have to admit how impressed I was the tastes.

We've all been to a wedding or 25th anniversary party or going away party with a big decorated cake that LOOKED nice but TASTED yucky.  Dry, crumbly cake and sickeningly sweet shortening-based frosting.  Not what we had in mind.

Turns out this gourmet cupcake bakery makes their frostings from butter and sugar, not shortening and sugar.  And the cream cheese frosting was smooth and delicious.  So we are seriously considering an assortment of beautifully decorated cupcakes (arranged on a stand) instead of a cake.  

Who knew?!?!

We'll see...

As a kid I remember hearing the phrase "We'll see..." many times, which I came to understand meant "Most likely not, but since there's a remote chance, we'll just say 'We'll see...'". This likely explains why I've hated the phrase "We'll see..." even into adulthood. However, in my quest for a more peaceful, non-stressful life I have come to appreciate the phrase.

As a kid I assumed my parents thought it was easier to say "We'll see..." than "No", hoping I'd forget about my request before it came to "see". But as an adult I have found that "We'll see..." doesn't always mean "No".

In fact, a "We'll see..." attitude often provides me with the needed time to contemplate the situation, avoid making an emotional or hasty decision, and sometimes eliminates the need to make a decision at all. Case in point:

Through Facebook I was recently reconnected with a dear friend Patrick with whom I'd lost touch many years ago. I'd tried to locate him by calling old phone numbers and using various websites, etc to no avail. Then out of the blue came the friend request on Facebook. He lives about 20 miles from where Spouse's family lives. Naturally we really wanted to see each other again so I suggested we do so over the Christmas holiday. Perfect - we'd be close by and he had no plans.

I suggested to Spouse that since we'd be back in the area for 4 days over the Christmas holiday, we should make a point to see Patrick. He and Spouse had never met and Patrick was eager to meet him. Spouse sighed and said "We'll see..."

Thinking he surely understood how important this was to me, I was a little miffed and asked "What does that mean?" "It means we'll see. You've got us all booked up running around seeing all kinds of people while we're there. I don't want to feel like I'm on a social schedule. I want to spend time with my family. Its Christmas!"

Realizing I really couldn't argue seeing my old friend against spending Christmas with the family, I just said "Okay. We'll see."

Part of me wanted him to agree right then and there to working in a visit with Patrick. But another part of me reminded me that I am not single, I do not always get my way, and that I must also consider my partner's feelings. Really, I did not need his permission, nor did I need to have an answer that day.

I could have gotten all indignant up in here, demanding that my friendship with Patrick was just as important as our relationship with Spouse's family, and that a "We'll see..." answer was insulting. But instead, I let it go. I decided to truly "see" how things worked out, and indeed, they did work out.

Two days later as Patrick and I were chatting on Facebook he announced that his brother in CO had surprised him with a free plane ticket (using his frequent flyer miles) to spend the week of Christmas with him and his wife in CO. It had been several years since Patrick had spent time with his brother, sister-in-law, and their kids so he was absolutely thrilled with his brother's generous offer.

Then I realized that since Patrick would be in CO the entire time Spouse & I were back in VA, it would be impossible for us to meet up with him then. But since we return to VA for a weekend nearly every month, we could always meet up with him in Jan or Feb when nothing else was going on.

The situation had taken care of itself.

It isn't always easy, and things don't always work themselves out because you don't make a decision on them right away. But there are few guarantees in life. Much of the time we have to work from our experience and our gut feelings. Mine told me it was okay not to get my way this time, and by accepting that I may or may not get to see Patrick over Christmas, I avoided what could have turned into an ugly "discussion" (read: argument).

As I accept aging gracefully, I also accept that it is up to me to create and preserve a peaceful, non-stressful life. And accepting a "We'll see..." answer is part of that. Will this result in a happier life for me?

We'll see...

Crush du Jour: Josh Turner

Frustrating

As I think back on this past weekend, the words frustrating and tense come to mind. It wasn't a 'bad' weekend per se, but it certainly wasn't one of our better ones.

I felt all weekend like Spouse & I were "out of sync", "on different wave lengths", not "on the same page", and this was frustrating.

We've done really well about living frugally since we moved here, knowing that we had not planned to keep our house in VA and therefore remain financially exposed if, for some reason, it didn't stay rented or needed some expensive repairs. So we postponed several purchases that we knew could wait until things were financially different for us. But with the settlement on the VA house this coming Fri, we've been talking about some of the postponed purchases and decided to do some shopping.

We went to 3 mattress stores and tried out a number of beds, as well as got helpful info from the salespeople. I am more sure than ever that what I really want is a TempurPedic memory foam bed, even though it is the most expensive brand. We sleep for about 8 hours every night, so there's no question about whether or not it would get used regularly. Yet Spouse remained unconvinced it is worth the considerable expense. Its not that he doesn't like the bed; he just doesn't want to "spend that much" for it. I don't understand this. You spend more time on your mattress than you do in your car, yet you'll spend 10 times more money on a car than you would your mattress?
And its not that he's waiting for the mattress to go on sale, because they don't. 2 different retailers both told us that TempurPedic does not allow stores to price the mattresses less than what they sell for on TempurPedic's website. They never go on sale, and they are exactly the same price regardless of where you buy them. Spouse's indecision was frustrating to me since I am not undecided at all.

Another purchase we've been putting off is a large, flat screen hi-def TV. To give you an idea of our TV viewing habits, we typically watch TV every night from 7pm until 10:30 or 11pm. We have a 20-year old 19" TV (free) in our TV room, and a 7-year old 32" TV for which we paid $350. in our family room. Spouse has no desire for a larger, hi-def TV. He says "everything on TV is crap, so why do we need a big, hi-def TV to watch crap?" I remind him that although it may be crap, that certainly doesn't stop us from watching it for 4 hours every night. I'm not asking for a huge, 60" TV. I simply want a 37" or 42" hi-def TV. I believe it will make TV watching better and more enjoyable, especially the nature programs we enjoy and the design shows I enjoy.

This weekend we saw a deal on a 46" hi-def 1080p LCD TV on sale 1 day only for $1,299. It was actually larger than what I had been looking for, but thought the price was very good. It would return to its normal price of $1,499. the next day, so a decision needed to be made. But once again Spouse would not agree. He felt that it was still too much money to spend on a TV. The conversation eventually was reduced to his complaint that the HDMI cable was not included, and so I found myself frustrated yet again.

Another possible purchase we've been discussing ever since we moved here 18 months ago is the small vacant not adjacent to our property. The lot is the same depth as our lot, but very narrow. We've discussed the possibility of purchasing it and building a garage (for our use) with an attached living space that would be rented by the week during the summer. There are many non-year-round homes in our seaside town. We are both interested in this possible venture, but the mood became quite tense as we discussed the price for a potential offer as well as the possible circumstances of the sellers. It absolutely escapes me why he would concoct all these various possible circumstances the sellers might be under when he has absolutely no knowledge of them.

Spouse thinks that if we are to make an offer, it should be for the price we feel the lot is worth, regardless of the list price, even if its only 50% of what the lot is listed for. I asked him why he thought the sellers might accept an offer of 1/2 the listing price. Rather than answer that question, he rambled on and on trying to justify his price. I told him there was no reason to convince me of the lot's value, and repeated my question about why he thought the sellers would even entertain an offer of 1/2 the listing price. The conversation did not end well, and I felt so frustrated I said calmly "Fine, let's do nothing. We won't decide on a bed, or a new TV, or the lot. Let's just decide to do nothing!"

Spouse left the house and I sat on the sofa watching the 19" low-def TV. An hour later Spouse returned (from K-Mart) and we decided to go out to eat and then go grocery shopping. Though not quite back to normal, we'd both calmed down and were pleasant to each other. Eating out and grocery shopping are 2 activities we always do together, and really seem to strengthen our relationship. Eating out gives us a chance to talk about whatever is on our minds, and grocery shopping is like a team-building exercise for us; the goal being to shop for the week in an economical manner.

(This isn't us - photo snagged from Google.)

As we drove home from the grocery store Spouse asked "Do you still wanted a divorce?" I never said that I wanted a divorce this weekend or at any other time. That question is Spouse's way of acknowledging the unpleasant conversation that might have led others to shout "I want a divorce!", and checking to see if I am okay now.

In the past I've occasionally answered the question by saying "I'm not sure yet. Let me see if your life insurance is paid up first." This insinuates that, rather than a divorce where our assets would likely be divided in half, I might prefer that he have an "accident" that would result in his untimely death, whereby I would get everything. We both know the steps in this 'dance'.

But this time I decided to say something a little sweeter: "No, I love you too much to give up over something like this." After a short pause he responded in kind: "Good, because I don't want a divorce either."

We will certainly talk about a new bed, a hi-def TV, and the adjacent lot many more times. I believe we both know its not a matter of if, but when. For some reason he's not ready yet, and I can live without those things until he's ready. Its certainly not worth fighting over. As anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you, being in a couple involves compromise. You've got to pick the important battles and not sweat the small stuff.

When your love is deep and your commitment to each other is sure, you know you'll recover from unpleasant conversations and return to being "in sync", "on the same wave length", and "on the same page" again.

Crush du Jour: Tom Everett Scott

Night out on the town

Sat was another beautiful day. Spouse & I took my car to the car wash, then went to a car show in Georgetown DE, about 1/2 an hour away. It was held at a Chevrolet dealership and was sponsored by a local Corvette Car Club. Not surprisingly, more than 1/2 the cars in the show were Corvettes.

Rick & Nick were there, too. Rick had shined up his '93 Competition yellow Corvette so it looked like glass.
Nick had waxed his '94 black Viper Hennessey Venom 4 times!
They proudly displayed their super cars to the adoring fans. It really wasn't my kind of car show, since I am a big fan of big fins.

But since it wasn't far from home and we hadn't anything else planned, we went and did enjoy it. We were only there for about 45 minutes.

Sat afternoon included a big dose of relaxing, internet surfing, napping, and TV watching. Then Spouse & I headed over to our friends' Doug & Jim's place and the 4 of us went into Rehoboth Beach for our big 'night out on the town'.

Our 1st stop was at Aqua for pre-dinner cocktails.

It was a gorgeous evening and Aqua has a large outdoor bar area. Next we had dinner at my new favorite outdoor restaurant Shag. It was our 3rd time there and we had the same waiter all 3 times. We enjoyed tasty food and funky tunes as we continued catching up with our friends.

Then we walked to Cloud 9 for their Madonna's 50th Birthday Bash.

No, Madonna was not scheduled to appear there, but like most other dance clubs, Cloud 9 was hosting an 'all Madonna, all night' tribute. The DJ played a lot of heavily remixed songs; some were so remixed they were unrecognizable until the lyrics began. But it was fun to watch people dance, and when we'd had a few cocktails ourselves, we joined the dancing devotees. We got home at 2:00am and remarked that it was the latest we'd been out in a long, long time.

Spouse is not one to hang out in a bar so we only do it on rare occasions with friends. But Spouse always has a great time when we do it. His idea of an exciting Sat night is when there's a really great 'Today's Special Value' on HSN. Hey, its all about compromise.

Sun we met Rick & Nick at the beach, which is our traditional Sun afternoon activity. Strangely, there was a great breeze blowing in the parking lot, but not much on the beach, so it felt warmer than usual. But it was a gorgeous day so we enjoyed it anyway.

After returning home we showered, fed and walked the dog, and then picked up some fried chicken from Kick'n Chicken and ate it in the car while parked at Lewes Beach. The sun was setting and the sky was a brilliant smear of oranges, pinks, and grey-blue.It was indescribably beautiful, and reminded me yet again why we moved here.

So there you have it: another weekend in our Lewes Life, complete with a night out on the town!

Crush du Jour: Nick Beyeler