Permanency

I really enjoyed our Christmas decorations this year.  They really were beautiful and brought me quite a bit of enjoyment.  In fact, I enjoyed them so much that I convinced Spouse to keep them up longer than he wanted to.  Since I had this past weekend off work, we agreed to do it then. We started with the outdoor lights, then the Christmas tree, and then the inside decor.  It took both of us 5 hours to disassemble everything, pack it all up, and put it away, so 10 man hours all together.  It was worth it.

Despite its lack of permanency, the holiday decor was still beautiful.  This theme was echoed to me on Sun when I went to the theatre to see "Call Me By Your Name".  I should probably warn of possible 'spoilers', but if you know anything at all about the movie then what I'm going to share isn't really a 'spoiler'.  In the film Oliver is a graduate student spending 6 weeks as an intern for a professor at his family's summer home.  The professor's 17 year old son Elio develops an attraction to Oliver who eventually gives in to Elio's desire.  (All of that is shown or insinuated in the trailer below.)

At the end of the film, just after Oliver's departure, the professor delivers a tender, loving soliloquy to Elio about feelings and permanency.  

He tells Elio that he is very lucky to have had such a special friendship, perhaps more, with Oliver.  He says that many people do not experience something that beautiful their entire lives.  And while he is now feeling the pain of loss, he should not try to repress or blank it out.  He tells Elio that it is better to feel than to not feel.  Only by feeling something wonderful can you also understand the feeling of pain.  He cautions Elio never to choose feeling nothing over feeling pain.  The fact that something wonderful ends does not negate it being wonderful.  Its non-permanency does not make it a failure.

I found this to be a profound declaration; one that I've struggled to verbalize over the years.  

Those of us who have been in relationships that didn't end up being permanent can still remember the good times in those relationships.  No doubt we laughed, loved, and learned in those relationships. But because they weren't permanent, the world has a way of considering them "failed relationships" which is just not true.  We have still experienced something wonderful even if it wasn't permanent, regardless of whether its end was by choice or by circumstances.

I believe this a key to not regretting the past.  We are not failures and our relationships were not failed as long as we know there was goodness, fun, or something positive experienced.  

In my case my 1st relationship (if you want to call it that) was not balanced.  I was more smitten and willing to move-heaven-and-earth than him, which was not his fault.  But we had some good times, and its end was by circumstances.  But what I learned was that a long distance relationship was not for me.  I needed someone who'd be physically present the majority of the time.

In my 2nd relationship I wanted to be 'out and proud' and strive for greater authenticity, but he was satisfied living a quiet and inconspicuous life.  I felt I just couldn't compromise, and he felt he didn't want to, so it ended by choice.  But we had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs!  I learned much about life and about myself.  It was a time of huge personal growth for me.  What I took away from this relationship was that I now knew who I wanted to become and what I would accept and not accept from a partner.

Neither of these were 'failed relationships' because they weren't permanent.  I have memories of wonderfulness experienced in both of these relationships, and both were stepping stones on my path.

This is why we grieve

I'm not sure where this came from.  A friend emailed it to me and said he'd received it via email from a neighbor.  I'd be more than happy to give the author credit if I knew who it was who managed to put words to my feelings.

This is why we grieve

I don’t think you understand us right now.

I think you think this is about politics. 

I think you believe this is all just sour grapes; the crocodile tears of the losing locker room with the scoreboard going against us at the buzzer.


I can only tell you that you’re wrong. This is not about losing an election. This isn’t about not winning a contest. This is about two very different ways of seeing the world.

Hillary supporters believe in a diverse America; one where religion or skin color or sexual orientation or place of birth aren’t liabilities or deficiencies or moral defects. Her campaign was one of inclusion and connection and interdependency. It was about building bridges and breaking ceilings. It was about going high. 

Trump supporters believe in a very selective America; one that is largely white and straight and Christian, and the voting verified this. Donald Trump has never made any assertions otherwise. He ran a campaign of fear and exclusion and isolation—and that’s the vision of the world those who voted for him have endorsed.

They have aligned with the wall-builder and the professed p*ssy-grabber, and they have co-signed his body of work, regardless of the reasons they give for their vote:

Every horrible thing Donald Trump ever said about women or Muslims or people of color has now been validated.
Every profanity-laced press conference and every call to bully protestors and every ignorant diatribe has been endorsed.
Every piece of anti-LGBTQ legislation Mike Pence has championed has been signed-off on.

Half of our country has declared these things acceptable, noble, American. 

This is the disconnect and the source of our grief today. It isn’t a political defeat that we’re lamenting, it’s a defeat for Humanity.

We’re not angry that our candidate lost. We’re angry because our candidate’s losing means this country will be less safe, less kind, and less available to a huge segment of its population, and that’s just the truth.

Those who have always felt vulnerable are now left more so. Those whose voices have been silenced will be further quieted. Those who always felt marginalized will be pushed further to the periphery. Those who feared they were seen as inferior now have confirmation in actual percentages.

Those things have essentially been campaign promises of Donald Trump, and so many of our fellow citizens have said this is what they want too.  

This has never been about politics.
This is not about one candidate over the other.
It’s not about one’s ideas over another’s.
It is not blue vs. red.
It’s not her emails vs. his bad language.
It’s not her dishonesty vs. his indecency.

It’s about overt racism and hostility toward minorities.
It’s about religion being weaponized.
It’s about crassness and vulgarity and disregard for women.
It’s about a barricaded, militarized, bully nation.
It’s about an unapologetic, open-faced ugliness.

And it is not only that these things have been ratified by our nation that grieve us; all this hatred, fear, racism, bigotry, and intolerance—it’s knowing that these things have been amen-ed by our neighbors, our families, our friends, those we work with and worship alongside. That is the most horrific thing of all. We now know how close this is.

It feels like living in enemy territory being here now, and there’s no way around that. We wake up today in a home we no longer recognize. We are grieving the loss of a place we used to love but no longer do. This may be America today but it is not the America we believe in or recognize or want.

This is not about a difference of political opinion, as that’s far too small to mourn over. It’s about a fundamental difference in how we view the worth of all people—not just those who look or talk or think or vote the way we do.

Grief always laments what might have been, the future we were robbed of, the tomorrow that we won’t get to see, and that is what we walk through today. As a nation we had an opportunity to affirm the beauty of our diversity this day, to choose ideas over sound bytes, to let everyone know they had a place at the table, to be the beacon of goodness and decency we imagine that we are—and we said no.

The Scriptures say that weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning. We can’t see that dawn coming any time soon.

And this is why we grieve.
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Update:  A reader provided me with the author, John Pavlovitz.  His original post is HERE.