Not much "excitement" in our Easter weekend, although a few things were different than usual.
One different thing was that I happened to be scheduled off on Sat, which is unusual for Easter weekend, which often brings spring home buyers/lookers to the beach area in anticipation of summer. But I wasn't going to argue with having Easter Sat off, and in fact, took advantage of it by leaving town.
Spouse & I left Sat morning (with Marvin Parker in tow, of course) and headed to VA. Traffic was light and we arrived before lunchtime. Spouse's mom was expecting a friend to stop over to chat and have coffee, so we left her there and went out to lunch with Spouse's sister (and favorite sibling) and her 2 teenage sons.
Afterward Spouse & I made a stop at Trader Joe's (since we do not have one near to where we live) to stock up on our favorite items. $119. later we were loading our booty into the car.
Back at Spouse's mom's house we hung out with her and visited. She got us all caught up on the goings on of her friends we affectionately refer to as the Hag Brigade, as well as some other gossip.
That evening we went to dinner with Spouse's mom and 1 of his nephews and his neice. Spouse's mom recognized an old woman, likely older than herself, someone who'd lived in her neighborhood years ago. She walked over to the woman seated at a table with people who appeared to be her adult children and said to her "Do you remember me?" The old woman looked at her and said "Why, yes I do" but didn't say her name. "Then what's my name?" Spouse's mother pressed her. The woman stammered for a minute and then said "Well, I've can't remember your name at the moment but you're Mary's mother." Spouse's mother wasn't satisfied with this correct statement but decided to let the poor old woman off the hook by saying "That's right. My name is Evelyn."
As the 2 continued chatting about 'where do you live now' and such, Spouse & I looked at each other in disbelief and amazement. His mother was almost antagonistic with the old woman but somehow it registered as funnier than hell to us as we tried to hold back our laughter!
The next morning we had a light breakfast, showered and dressed, and picked up my aunt Mary. Then we all went to Spouse's brother's house for a very early Easter dinner at 1:30. (Its nice to do it early, since Spouse & I still have to tidy up our room and get Marvin before driving the 2 1/2 hours back home to DE.)
Typically Spouse's brother and sister-in-law get a honey-baked ham and turkey breast, and several family members bring side dishes to go with them. But for a change of pace this year, Spouse's brother told everyone not to bring side dishes. Instead they ordered food from Red Hot & Blue. We had delicious pulled pork and chicken, baked beans, potato salad, cole slaw, and green beans. Aunt Mary brought her famous "brown stuff" (sweet potato shuffle) and hummingbird cake, my favorite cake in the whole wide world.
We had a very nice Easter but I ate too much, as usual. That much stayed the same!
Well, if you thought I was whiny, spoiled, or ungrateful for complaining about all the noise, dirt, and inconvenience of getting our street paved, you'll really think I'm whiny, spoiled, and ungrateful with this post.
Let me start by saying I love Mother-in-law. Really, I love her dearly. Although 79 years old, she is far from being a typical 'old lady'. She doesn't crochet doilies or knit afghans. She's very active with lots of senior social groups and rarely misses an opportunity to go somewhere. She has a great sense of humor and we have a good time together.
For nearly 13 years now she has loved and accepted me, which is more than I can say for my actual mother (and father and siblings) who disowned me when I came out and informed them I was leaving their conservative religion.
But despite how much I truly do love Mother-in-law, sometimes the woman can get on my nerves.
Every time we see her she offers us something to eat and/or drink, which is very thoughtful and hospitable. Since I am trying to lose weight I try not to eat between meals, so I usually tell her 'No, thank you'. She always responds by asking me if I'm sure, and then proceeds to list for me all the food and drinks she has to offer. I politely respond by telling her 'I am sure' and that 'I don't care for anything'. She'll leave it alone for a few minutes, but will invariably ask me several more times if I'm sure I don't want anything to eat or drink. Sometimes she will go through the list again. I want to say "Read my lips: I do not care for anything to eat or drink. Thank you" but of course, I'd never do that.
Every time we see her she tells us how much money she has recently given to her 2 deadbeat sons, both of whom are in their 50s. Spouse has spoken for both of us numerous times, letting her know we do not care to hear about that anymore. We came to the conclusion long ago that she will continue to give them money as often as she wants to. What she does with her money is her own business. Nobody has a gun pointed to her head. We've reminded her that if she doesn't want to give them the money they request, she can say no. But she doesn't say no, which is her prerogative. But then she insists on telling us how much she 'had' to give them. Sometimes I'm tempted to scream "You didn't 'have' to give them the money!!! You are the one in control!!!", but of course I'd never do that either. She always ends with "Listen, I have enough money for myself, but I don't have enough money to carry those two." If I weren't afraid she'd see me, I swear I could lip-sync that exact phrase as she says it. And I could. I've heard it enough times.
Every time we see her she gives us a recap of what is going on with her friends, whom Spouse & I privately refer to as 'the hag brigade'. "Maryann's daughter is moving to North Carolina...", "Gloria went to the doctor this week for her knee", and "Loretta is thinking about a reverse mortgage..." etc, etc, etc. We've never met these people, so getting an update on what's going on in their lives means very little (if anything) to us. But the worse part about it? She tells us the same things over and over again! At first I thought she couldn't remember whether or not she'd told us, so once I said "Oh yeah, you mentioned this to me last time we were here". But without missing a beat she responded "Well I'm gonna tell you again", and proceeded to ramble on and on about the happenings of these people we don't know or care about.
Two weeks ago her neighbor had a ceramic tile floor installed in her kitchen. Upon hearing this from Mother-in-law, one of the hag brigade snarled "Ceramic tile floors are cold and slippery!" So Mother-in-law asked me what our kitchen floor was made of, and I answered that it was ceramic tile. She asked if it was cold and slippery, to which I replied "Ours is cold because its on a concrete slab, but your neighbor's kitchen has a crawl space under it so it may not be as cold. Its only slippery if its wet." Since her neighbor got a new kitchen floor she decided she needed (read: wanted) a new kitchen floor too, so we took her to the flooring store to order the same laminate floor she loved in our previous house. Just 2 weeks later (this past weekend) she asked me the same question again about ceramic tile floors being cold and slippery. First, I already answered the question 2 weeks ago. Second, what difference does it make now? She'd already ordered the laminate floor! She called last night to tell us the new floor had been installed, and how much she loved it. I bit my lip and said nothing when she told me "I'm glad I didn't get a ceramic tile floor because people say they're cold and slippery".
She likes to keep abreast of what's happening, so she watches political TV shows and reads tabloids. Those are her information sources. She'll read or hear something sensational and then repeat it to us as if she's reporting the news. "They say Barack Bahama is a Muslim" she announced. And yes, she really did call him Barack Bahama. Spouse replied "No he's not! Where did you hear that?" The tabloid. Last weekend she reported "That guy can't be in the president's cabinet 'cuz he didn't pay his taxes. Why didn't he pay his taxes? He couldn't afford it?" Spouse recommended that if she is going to read tabloids, she should consider them to be for entertainment purposes only, but she responded "But sometimes they get it right! They said Edwards had an affair on his wife - the one with cancer - and he did!" Spouse also suggested she watch CNN for politics instead of Fox News, but she said she likes to watch Bill O'Reilly because "he's so good-looking". Hard to argue with that kind of logic.
I know I should sound more grateful to have such a loving and accepting Mother-in-law, and I really am grateful for her. And as I said, I love this woman dearly, really I do! But sometimes she can get on my nerves.
Crush du Jour: Matthew "Jett" Schaefer
In yesterday's post ("Me and Joe") I mentioned that we pick up Joe's mother Evelyn for dinner every Thursday night. All three of us really enjoy and look forward to this; not because we eat some place exclusive or fancy, but simply because we have a good time together.
Evelyn lives in a town with a surprisingly small number of restaurants for the town's population, so we frequent many of the same restaurants. And, some of the restaurants have been placed on our DNR (Do Not Return) list. Some of those on the DNR list include Bob Evans, TGI Friday's, and the chinese place next door to the vet. Now, we are not boycotting Bob Evans or TGI Friday's in general, we've simply learned that the food at this particular Bob Evans is horrible and the service at this particular TGI Friday's is terrible. We've never actually eaten at the chinese place next door to the vet, but the stories we've all heard about chinese restaurants replacing the chicken with cat AND it's proximity to the vet need no further explanation.
During our regular Thursday dinners with Evelyn she tells us in detail about her week's activities, family news, and upcoming events. She's a very active senior citizen. We get to hear all of the details of her Saturday morning shopping trips with Gloria at JC Penney, the day trips to Atlantic City NJ and Williamsburg VA, her overnighter to Ogleby WV to see the 'festival of lights' (the little town is lit up for Christmas), and her 4-day trip to Dollywood. She sometimes brings us back refrigerator magnets or Christmas tree ornaments from these 'exotic' locations. She often goes on these trips with various groups to which she belongs, and often one or more of her girlfriends will join her. We affectionately refer to her circle of female friends as the hag bridage. Gloria is one of the hag bridage.
One Thursday when Mike from Seattle was visiting, the four of us ate at Bertucci's, an Italian restaurant chain. The food and service are rather good, and there are no vets nearby. As Evelyn told us about her Saturday morning shopping with Gloria at JC Penney, she says that she and Gloria passed a man in JC Penney who was dressed as a woman. She continues: "After the man is out of earshot, Gloria looks at me and says 'Aw Christ! Did you see that? What is this world coming to?'" Of course, the four of us can barely contain our laughter as we imagine Gloria's tactless remark in the store. The rest of the evening we insert 'Aw Christ!' into our conversations.
Just recently, Evelyn told us about a trip taken with another of the hag bridage, Helen. Helen used to live across the street from Evelyn, but now lives in a condo. She's been married 6 times. She's 83 years old but thinks of herself as the senior citizen version of Heather Locklear. Helen doesn't like the way her beautician styles her hair because she thinks it looks 'too fixed'. Helen prefers her hair to look 'wind-blown'. Evelyn says her hair looks like she just rolled out of bed. Evelyn goes on to tell us that on this recent trip Helen was encouraging Evelyn to wear more make-up and to tossle her hair a bit. Helen even put Evelyn's make-up on for her, to show her how she should look. Never wanting to offend anyone, Evelyn kindly thanked Helen for showing her how to do her make-up. Helen kept going on and on, as if she were some beauty consultant. So Evelyn wrapped it all up by saying "I promise I'll try to do it like this in the future. I want to be just like you, Helen." Joe & I burst out laughing! 'I want to be just like you' is something a child might say, not an adult. But Helen apparently took the remark as a compliment. Evelyn said they had a great time together on the trip.
One Thursday our friends Hugh & Kerry and Kerry's dad George joined us for dinner with Evelyn. We ate at the Family Restaurant & Pizzeria. Afterward we all went back to Evelyn's house for coffee and apple pie. Evelyn didn't bake the pie, it was store bought. She says she 'cooked dinner every night for 48 years' for her husband and family (not actually true - they often ate out) so she rarely cooks or bakes now that her kids are grown and her husband is deceased. Evelyn made the coffee and asked me to help her cut and serve the apple pie. After placing a few pieces onto plates and sending them out to the others I notice that there is orange-colored fruit in this apple pie. Unknown to me and Evelyn in the kitchen, the others in the living room have discovered this is not apple pie - it's peach pie. I become a bit concerned and say out loud "Umm, there is orange-colored fruit in this apple pie..." From the living room Joe replies "It's peach pie." From the kitchen Evelyn shouts back "It's not cheap pie... it cost $6.99!!!" Amongst the laughter, Joe tells her "Peach pie - not cheap pie." I look at the box and sure enough, it's clearly labeled Peach. We all have a good laugh, and as Hugh, Kerry and George are leaving, we promise to get together for dinner again soon, and that we'll have to be sure to have some CHEAP pie afterwards.
Then there was the time Joe, Evelyn and I had finished eating at a restaurant called King Street Blues. (Evelyn calls it Hill Street Blues, like the late-80s TV show.) As we're leaving she and I both grab mints. Once in the car, I said something to Joe and he smelled my mint. "Is that spearmint?" he asked. I said "Yeah. It's green and white, rather than the red and white peppermints they usually have." Then from the back seat Evelyn pops up "Mine is sour cream flavored." I said "What??? I've never heard of a sour cream mint before..." and Joe and I begin to laugh. The more we think about it, the harder we laugh! Now, we can imagine mints that might be flavored like different fruits (remember those fruit flavored lifesavers?) but sour cream??? By this time Evelyn is cracking up too. I have to stop driving for a moment in order to wipe the tears from my eyes and recover from the laughter!! So now, every Thursday when we leave any restaurant with a mint, I ask Evelyn if she got a sour cream mint this time.
Check back regularly for more episodes of Thursday dinner with Evelyn. :-)
