MY Independence day

Last Wed was July 4th or Independence Day.  I didn't have time to write what I really wanted to write then, so I'm writing it now.

July 4th is commonly known as Independence Day, where Americans celebrate their independence from Great Britain.  But the week following July 4th is special to me as I think back to MY independence from a religion that controlled my life.

I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness religion, a separatist religion that believes they are the only ones with the TRUE religion.  One of their many unusual teachings is that being gay is a choice and a 'learned behavior'.  Sometime in my 20s I realized that this belief wasn't true.  I'd known I was gay since I was a kid but didn't know any other gay people, so from whom could I have 'learned' this?  

Once I understood the Jehovah's Witness religion was wrong about that teaching I became suspicious of many other teachings with which I was never comfortable, such as shunning.  JWs are taught to shun those who leave the religion, even family members.  They claim they do this to protect the congregation from the sin of the one being shunned, but I always thought it seemed like emotional blackmail to require relatives to shun their family.

On Sat, July 3, 1993, 25 years ago, I met a man at a gay bar who would become my boyfriend. We spent the long, holiday weekend together and I decided then that I would not return to the JW church.

Even though I knew this decision would eventually result in being shunned by my family and friends.

The week following July 4th 25 years ago was glorious as I felt a new sense of freedom I'd never experienced before, and as I spent time with my new boyfriend.

And then came the gut-wrenching meeting with my family where I told them I was gay, I was leaving the JW religion, and that I understood I would be shunned and likely not see or hear from them again. They tried to talk me out of it but my mind was made up.  Everyone cried.

But as hard as it was to do that, I knew it was the right thing for me, and I felt a sense of relief after it was over.  I simply HAD to start becoming my authentic self.

So, 25 years ago, just after Independence Day, was MY independence day.

If interested, you can read my full coming out story here: part I, part II, part III, part IV, part V.

Glimpses of Gay, part 6

Since June is widely considered Pride month, I was thinking about how I might celebrate on my blog.  My coming out story is easily accessible here on my blog using the 'coming out' tag.  But I came up with the concept I'm calling Glimpses of Gay.  This is where I will share occasions that occurred before I came out where I had a glimpse of gay life or an interaction with someone I understood to be gay.  Here's part 6:

I think it was 1992, only about a year before I left the JWs to be an out gay man, and I was working in the customer service department for the local phone company.  I received a call from a man (we'll call him John because I don't remember his actual name) who requested we change the name on the phone bill.  John said the service/bill was in the name of Roger (not his real name either) but that Roger had passed away.  He said he lived with Roger and wanted to keep the same phone number and service as is, but change the name on the account.

Not because I'm nosey but because it was a requirement of the job, I asked John if he and Roger were roommates or related in some way.  There was an elongated pause and then John said something like "Well, we weren't related legally."  There was another long pause and then he said "We were a couple."

Keep in mind that in 1992 people were just starting to hear the term "partner" used to describe a gay person's spouse, and recognized domestic partnerships and marriage equality were still a distant fantasy.  Same sex couples had little-to-no legal connection or rights.

"I'm very sorry for your loss" I said sincerely.  Then I explained the phone company's policy and what I would do for him.  I bent the rules a bit to allow him to assume the account despite John an Roger not being related, since it wasn't his fault they were unable to be legally married.  He was very appreciative and thanked me for my kindness and sensitivity.

Coincidentally I saw that the address was very close to where I lived, so I wrote down the address on a Post-it note and slid it into my pocket.  After work I stopped and purchased a sympathy card, wrote a short note inside, and delivered it to John's house.  I didn't ring the doorbell or attempt to meet him in person, but wanted to show my support for his relationship and my sympathy over his loss.

Glimpses of Gay, part 5

Since June is widely considered Pride month, I was thinking about how I might celebrate on my blog.  My coming out story is easily accessible here on my blog using the 'coming out' tag.  But I came up with the concept I'm calling Glimpses of Gay.  This is where I will share occasions that occurred before I came out where I had a glimpse of gay life or an interaction with someone I understood to be gay.  Here's part5:

In the spring of either 1990 or 1991 I planned a week's vacation in CA where I'd drive the scenic Pacific Coast Hwy.  I had several family friends and relatives who lived in different places so I'd contacted them and set up a schedule to meet up with them during my visit.  I flew into San Francisco and rented a red convertible to take advantage of the beautiful weather as I drove south along the scenic Pacific Coast Hwy, stopping for my family and friends visits along the way.

At one point stopped in some southern CA town to eat and saw a 1950s diner with cool, vintage cars parked in front.  This seemed like a fun place, so I parked the red LeBaron convertible, looked at the beautiful vintage cars, then went inside to eat.

Not long after being seated I became aware of a large, crescent-shaped banquet where 8 men were eating.  They weren't making a scene or anything but I noticed they were laughing and talking and seemed to know each other well.  Then it dawned on me:  they were 4 gay couples.  I watched them as I waited for and then ate my dinner.  Aside from this glimpse into their shared meal, I wondered what their lives were like.  

I imagined that they lived in cute CA ranch-style homes with red Spanish tile roofs, and that they hosted dinner parties where they served cocktails and played Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday music.  I pictured them going grocery shopping together, one of them searching for a coupon and the other rolling his eyes. I pictured them cuddled up on their sofa at night watching TV together. 

Those thoughts comforted me and made me feel sad at the same time.  I imagined a life for them that I wanted for myself.  Little did I know then that I would create such a life for myself, minus the CA ranch-style homes with red Spanish tile roof.

Glimpses of Gay, part 4

Since June is widely considered Pride month, I was thinking about how I might celebrate on my blog.  My coming out story is easily accessible here on my blog using the 'coming out' tag.  But I came up with the concept I'm calling Glimpses of Gay.  This is where I will share occasions that occurred before I came out where I had a glimpse of gay life or an interaction with someone I understood to be gay.  Here's part 4:

Between 1986 - 1989 (I was 22-25 years old) I lived in a terrific 2-bedroom apartment.  It had big rooms, lots of closet space, a shaded terrace, and a convenient location.  I had 3 different roommates during those 3 years but I can easily say that my favorite was David.  I met David through a mutual acquaintance and immediately thought he was very handsome.  He had broad shoulders, nicely muscular arms, and later I would find he had a hairy chest.  

But what made David even more irresistible was that he was so incredibly nice!  He had a brother about 2 years younger, and a 1/2 sister from his mom's 2nd marriage who was considerably younger.  He was kind and respectful to his brother and sweet and helpful to his little sister.  David's mother had a chronic health condition and he was always mindful to try to ease her daily chores if possible.  Understandably, I fell in love with him. While I wondered if David might possibly be gay, I knew it was ridiculous to speculate about it.  He and I were both Jehovah's Witnesses (JWs), and as such you are not allowed to be gay.  

We got along well and shared many interests.  I assisted him when he'd agreed to help a friend move to a different home, and he'd come with me for dinner at my folks' house.  I tried to think of as many things as possible I could do to spend time with him.  

I eventually invited him to move into my apartment.  The only problem was that it was a 2-bedroom place and I already had a roommate, at least on paper.  My current roommate was rarely there.  Sometimes weeks would go by without me seeing him.  He was behind on his rent so sometimes he would come and get clothes etc when he knew I was at work so he wouldn't have to face me.  I knew it was just a matter of time before he would have to give up his room, so I convinced David to move into my room until that happened.  My room was huge so there was plenty of room for both our beds and I cleared some space for his stuff in my walk-in closet.  

I remember a night that seemed magical.  He liked to read in bed before going to sleep, and one night he asked if I'd like him to read out loud.  I said sure, so he quickly told me the jist of the story so far, then read aloud to me.  I'll never forget that.

Another memory that is clear in my mind after all these years is when we had a crazy heat wave.  In the DC metro area where we lived our hot summers were often accompanied by extreme humidity.  At that time I worked in a non-air conditioned warehouse and David did construction work.  One day we both came home from work hot and exhausted and joked that we should hang our clothes up to dry before tossing them into the clothes hamper.  As we both stripped down to our underwear David suggested we have a cold beer.  He left the bedroom in his underwear so I followed suit.  We sat on the dining room chairs (not fabric) in our underwear, drank our beers, and talked.

In hindsight, I'm surprised no one ever questioned our friendship.  I was so in love with David I'm surprised it wasn't noticeable to others.  Or, maybe it was noticeable but since JWs can't be gay they simply didn't understand.  I eventually moved out when I bought my 1-bedroom condo and David kept the apartment for awhile.  Years later I heard he was married, and just recently I heard he was divorced; his wife left him for another guy.

Glimpses of Gay, part 3

Since June is widely considered Pride month, I was thinking about how I might celebrate on my blog.  My coming out story is easily accessible here on my blog using the 'coming out' tag.  But I came up with the concept I'm calling Glimpses of Gay.  This is where I will share occasions that occurred before I came out where I had a glimpse of gay life or an interaction with someone I understood to be gay.  Here's part 3:

It was the fall of 1980 (I think).  I was almost 17, a junior in high school, and had gotten a part in the community theatre's production of Li'l Abner.  (My part had just a couple lines but I sang in all the chorus scenes).  Because I didn't have a driver's license yet, my mother or sister would drop me off for evening rehearsals and then I'd bum a ride home with some other cast member.  

One night I'd secured a ride home with 2 guys, one of whom had the lead and the other a supporting role, whom I knew lived near me.  I assume they were at least 5 years older than me based on their facial hair and maturity.  It was probably close to 10pm and it was dark out.  As we left the rehearsal location the 1st guy asked me if I had a girlfriend, to which I replied no.  He said that they didn't have girlfriends either, and the 2nd guy snickered.  The 2nd guy asked if I had a boyfriend, to which I also replied no.  The 1st guy asked if I'd ever smoked pot, to which I replied no again.  Then he said that with no girlfriend, no boyfriend, and no pot, what did I do for fun?  I told them that I played the piano and tried out for community theatre parts like this.  The 2nd guy asked if this was my 1st production and I replied yes.  He said congratulations and said I must be excited.

As we neared my neighborhood the 1st guy said that they were going to smoke some pot and that I could join them instead of going directly home.  I told them no, and that my parents would be expecting me.  They asked if I was sure, that it would be fun, and that they'd make sure I was OK since I'd never had pot before.  I said I was sure, so they dropped me off at my house.

Oddly enough, I do not remember being scared or feeling unsafe by this questioning or the offer to smoke pot with them.  I kind of figured out they were gay, but that didn't make me uncomfortable either.

Glimpses of Gay, part 2

Since June is widely considered Pride month, I was thinking about how I might celebrate on my blog.  My coming out story is easily accessible here on my blog using the 'coming out' tag.  But I came up with the concept I'm calling Glimpses of Gay.  This is where I will share occasions that occurred before I came out where I had a glimpse of gay life or an interaction with someone I understood to be gay.  Here's part 2:

It was July 3rd (I'm sure) of 1988 (I think).  I was 24 and lived in a 2-bedroom apartment with a roommate.  I was grocery shopping and noticed an attractive young man (probably a little older than me) reaching for something off the shelf.  He looked at me as I was looking at him.  I smiled innocently and wondered if he was gay.  I pushed my cart down the isle, around the corner, and up the next isle.  I stopped and picked an item off the shelf, pretending to examine its ingredients while I waited to see if the guy would follow me.  Sure enough he stopped near me and also pretended to look at products.  From my peripheral vision I saw that he looked over at me, but I didn't look back at him.  Instead I placed the item back on the shelf and pushed my cart away.

A few isles over I stopped to look for laundry detergent which I actually needed.  I was not brand loyal so I looked to see what was least expensive and/or on sale.  I momentarily forgot about the guy as I narrowed down my detergent choices.  As I reached for my final selection, out of my peripheral vision again I saw the guy approaching me.  This time I couldn't help but to look at him and he smiled and said hi.  I said hi back and left the isle with my heart beating at least in double-time.

Later as I got into the check-out line I quickly scanned the other registers to see if the guy was in line.  I didn't see him, so my heart rate returned to normal as I loaded my groceries into my car and drove home to my apartment.  I took the 1st armload inside and as I returned to the car for the remaining bags, the guy from the grocery store walked over to my car!

He said he didn't mean to scare me, but that I'd left the store before he'd had a chance to introduce himself, so he followed me home.  Looking back on this now a big red "STALKER" flag goes up, but at the time his explanation sounded reasonable.  Or maybe I was just flattered.  

He offerred to help me carry the remaining bags inside and I allowed him to do so.  We talked for a couple minutes (where do you work, where do you live, etc) and then he invited me to go see the July 4th fireworks with him the next day.  I thanked him for the invitation but told him I'd be out of town.  (I really was going to spend the entire July 4th at my relatives' home in MD.)  He asked if we could exchange numbers and perhaps get together another time.  I said OK even though I knew full well it would never happen.  As he was leaving my roommate was coming in the door.  My roommate was a Jehovah's Witness too so we knew each others' friends.  He asked me who that guy was.  I casually brushed it off by saying it was an old acquaintance from high school I'd run into at the grocery store.

The guy did call me a couple times and left messages on my answering machine (remember those?), but I never returned his calls.  I wasn't ready yet.

Glimpses of Gay, part 1

Since June is widely considered Pride month, I was thinking about how I might celebrate on my
blog.  In years past I have posted links to my coming out story.  I really don't want to do that again, as the story is easily accessible using the 'coming out' tag.  I also thought about posting Pride photos found on the web, but this seemed a little lame.  Then I came up with the concept I'm calling Glimpses of Gay.  This is where I will share occasions that occurred before I came out where I had a glimpse of gay life or an interaction with someone I understood to be gay.  Here's part 1:

It was late afternoon in the spring of 1983.  I was 19 years old and working part-time in a men's clothing store.  I was offered a temporary full-time position shuttling specific merchandise between store locations while the usual driver was out with back surgery.

One day as I was driving on a multi-lane highway I looked over to my left and noticed an attractive man driving the car next to me.  He looked over and caught me looking at him.  Embarrassed, I pressed a little harder on the gas pedal to move away from his car.  He excellerated too and caught up with me.  I quickly glanced over at him again and saw him looking at me.  I may have smiled or just waved in that friendly kind of 'I acknowledge you' kind of way; I'm not sure.  But as I could feel my heart beating faster I decided to lift my foot off the gas pedal a little so the guy in the other car would pass me.  Sure enough, he slowed down too and once again we were window to window.

It was now obvious to me that my initial looking at him had started some sort of flirtation.  He was intentionally reacting to my changes in speed and trying to respond.  I started to freak out a little because I didn't know what I was doing!  But since we were both rolling down the highway at 55mpg or so, I was more excited than scared.

Until he began gesturing to me to pull over.

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygood - what am I going to do?!?!?!  Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.  I literally didn't know what to expect.  Should I stop?  Should I just keep driving?  I felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.

I decided to pull over onto the shoulder and so did he.  We both got out of our vehicles and introduced ourselves.  He then asked if I would join him for a drink somewhere closeby.  Rather than tell him the truth (that I was a Jehovah's Witness who could NOT be gay) I told him I was working and still had several stops to make.  He seemed a little disappointed, and asked when I'd be in the area again.  I didn't really know how to respond since telling him the truth (that I'd be back there in 2 days) would likely lead to some kind of planned meeting, so I just said I didn't know when my deliveries would bring me back to this area.  

Perhaps he understood this was all very new to me, and maybe he decided it would be too much 'work' to try and be with someone like me.  Fortunately he was very gracious and smiled as he shook my hand and we said goodbye.  More than 30 years later I still remember the excitement mixed with fear I felt that day.

Kindness

Yesterday was my 1st visit to my new doctor (general practitioner).  I didn't care for my previous doctor so when I heard this new doctor was coming, I got on the wait list and yesterday was my appointment.

As is typical, I filled out the new patient forms in the comfort of my home and just handed them to the receptionist along with my insurance card and co-pay.

Prior to the doctor coming in to see me, a nurse came in to weigh me, take my blood pressure, and go over some info.  She was very impressed that age 52 I have no illness or condition which requires medication.  I believe Spouse & I are the only 2 among our friends who can say that.

Then came the part where she asked about my family medical history.  I knew this was going to happen, and I prepared a brief, non-judgmental, non-emotional comment to explain my lack of information.  I basically said I've had no substantive communication with my parents or siblings in 23 years so I really don't have any information as to their health.  I suspect that since both of my parents are in their early 80s now, they probably have typical age-related conditions, but that I was not aware of anything like cancer or asthma that might be hereditary.

The nurse tried to hide her surprise at first, and then said "Well, you must not like them."

I kindly replied that it was not my choice, and explained that they belonged to a very conservative religion that teaches if someone leaves the religion, members must treat them as if they didn't exist. 

There were a few seconds of silence as she brought her hand up to cover her mouth, then blinked away a small tear.

"Wow... that is really a shame" she offered.  Not knowing quite how to respond, I said "Yes... it is."

She asked if they were Amish, which kind of makes sense since Amish practise ex-communication too.  I said "No, they're Jehovah's Witnesses."  She said that they must be pretty strict, because she knew of a JW family whose daughter stopped being a JW, got involved with drugs, had a child out of wedlock, and her parents continued to talk to her and even helped support her.  I agreed with her that my family was strict about it, feeling they were modeling the behavior that "good JWs" should have toward those who leave the religion.  Then we moved on.

I was a little surprised and actually touched that the nurse was so gracious.  This was the 1st time we'd met, yet she had a genuine emotional reaction to my estrangement from my family.  Somehow it seemed very kind of her to care.

After 23 years I've gotten pretty used to "my situation".  I grieved the loss of my parents and siblings all at once, the way one would do if their family had all been killed in a plane crash.  But that was years ago, I've gotten used to the scar since there is very little pain left from that wound.

I've also been very fortunate that Spouse's family has always been not just accepting, but welcoming to us both.  I also have some extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) with whom I still have contract, since they were never JWs, so its not like I'm an orphan.

But that nurse's kindness was really appreciated today.  She probably doesn't know just how much.

An old friend

Yesterday I went to happy hour at Saketumi with my old friend Dave Holler.

Dave's family lived near my family when we were young boys, but moved away before we became teenagers.  Coincidentally his family moved close to where my grandparents lived in the mountains of Western MD.  My parents would sometimes leave me at my grandparents' house for a week or 2 in the summer so I could experience a different way of life.  My grandparents lived on several acres in the country, with a huge garden covering much of the land, and a creek that ran behind their property, and lots of woods to roam and explore.  I would stay in the tiny bunk room where my father had grown up and help my grandparents with their huge garden, and go swimming and play in the woods.  It was a welcome diversion from my suburban childhood.

A couple times my parents coordinated with Dave's parents for him to join me at my grandparents' house for a few days.  Since we were teenagers by this time and the bunk room was so tiny, we slept in my grandparents' camper in the back yard.  It was fun to have a friend there during some of my stay.

But eventually I stopped spending summer weeks at my grandparents' and lost touch with Dave.  We ran into each other a couple times at the Jehovah's Witnesses (JWs) conventions years later, but due to redistricting those encounters ended as well.

Fast forward 25 years or so to 2010.  Spouse & I were having dinner with our friend Bryan and his friend Dan when somehow the conversation caused me to mention that I had been raised as a JW.  Dan said that he had a friend who had also been raised in the JW religion but was no longer part of it.  Quite literally as a joke I asked the name of Dan's friend, kind of like the way when you're on a cruise ship and meet someone from Canada you can't help but ask if they know your friend who lives in Canada.  But quite to my surprise, Dan said his friend's name was Dave Holler.  My jaw dropped and I said "Oh my god - I know him!".  Dan called Dave right there in the restaurant and I got to talk to him.  We exchanged emails and became friends on facebook.

So a few days ago I got a message from Dave saying he was going to be in my area for a few days and wanted to get together.  I meant to take a photo of us but forgot to do so.  We had cocktails and sushi rolls and talked for over 2 hours.  It was really fun to reconnect with my old friend, catch up on his siblings, and hear about his parents.  They are still JWs (like mine) but have found a way to maintain a relationship with him, which is nice for him.  Dave is doing great and has 'adjusted' well to life outside the JWs.  We plan to get together again the next time he's in town.

4/20

Today's date is 4/20, the unofficial 'holiday' of those who enjoy smoking weed (pot).

Click here for the origin of this 'holiday'.

I've never tried pot.  It was against the code of behavior when I was growing up in the Jehovah's Witness faith, and when I left the faith at 29 years old my new non-JW friends did not happen to be partakers of the reefer, so I didn't partake either.  Over the years it seems the vast majority of my friends don't toke so I've not really had many opportunities or any pressure to do so.  Now that I'm over 50, I kind of see it as a record that I'm keeping.   

"51 and never taken a puff". 

My friends The Newlyweds think its hilarious that I'm keeping a record like that.  They teased me by adding other records to my resume:  "51 and never robbed a bank", "51 and never shot a gun", etc.

Now that mary jane is legal in several states I imagine it won't be too long before it loses its taboo and eventually becomes legal everywhere.  Perhaps many are anticipating this and celebrating today's date with a puff on the magic dragon, but not me.  I will be maintaining all of my records today by not smoking pot, robbing a bank, or firing a gun.

Birthday

So yesterday was my mother's birthday.  She turned 79.

As you may recall, my parents belong to the Jehovah's Witnesses (JW) religion.  They do not celebrate birthdays, or any other holiday for that matter.  They believe that birthday celebrations and holidays (including Christmas and Easter) have pagan roots.  None of these holidays are mentioned in the Bible either, which they claim to follow strictly.

But even if the JWs did celebrate birthdays and holidays, I would not be able to celebrate with my mother or other family members because I am gay and their religion (like many) believes that being gay is a sin.  Since I chose to leave the JW religion to be gay 22 years ago, my family and other JWs I used to know have shunned me.  That is what they are taught to do when someone leaves their religion.

So its a little weird for me today, thinking about my mother and it being her birthday.  While her birthday is 'just another day' to her, I think about it more as she and my father age.  He is 82. They are both in reasonably good health for their ages, but I know that 1 day in the not-so-distant future I will learn that 1 of them has passed, and I won't know how to react.  

I mean, of course anyone would be sad when a relative passes.  But for me, having been shunned for the last 22 years, it feels like they already passed.  My connection to them, my relationship with them, my ability to spend time with them all ended 22 years ago.  Yet, when I eventually get that call, I will be forced to experience their loss again.

Disfellowshipped/shunned people are permitted to attend funerals of JWs, but I wonder if I will go. Funerals are such sad occasions to begin with.  Part of me asks why I would put myself into a situation where I will be permitted to attend, but will not be spoken to by anyone except my few non-JW relatives.  Another part of me says that if I don't attend, it will cause my family and former friends to think I'm cold and uncaring.  But then again, what do I care what they think of me??

So rather than wrapping a thoughtful gift, singing "Happy birthday", or giving my mom a kiss on the cheek, these are the thoughts on my mind today.

Visit with Manny

I got a call from my cousin's ex-husband Manny, telling me he and his girlfriend were going to be in my area for the weekend, and wanting to know if Spouse & I would like to meet them for dinner on Sat.

My cousin and I were very close until our mid-20s.  That's when she fell in love with Manny, who was not a Jehovah's Witness like us, got pregnant, and was disfellowshipped/ex-communicated.  JWs in good standing are not permitted to associate with those who are disfellowshipped, even if they are family, so I had to shun my cousin.  Some time later my cousin was reinstated and I was happy to once again spend time with her and her new husband, Manny.  But just a few years later is when I decided to 'come out' and leave the JW religion, which resulted in my being disfellowshipped.  That pretty much ended my ability to associate with my cousin.

A couple of years ago my cousin and Manny split up, and I ran into him at a wedding.  He seemed genuinely happy to see me, and I was happy to see him as well.  I always thought of him as a very nice guy; gentle and very laid back.  Pretty much the opposite of my cousin.  We friended each other on facebook.

So it was a pleasant surprise to hear that he was going to be in town over the weekend, and I readily accepted the invitation to join him for dinner.  The conversation flowed easily for the 4 of us.  Since we'd only met his girlfriend once, we learned more about her.  She is a yoga instructor and has her own studio.  Manny is a mechanic who specializes in German cars like Audi, BMW, Mercedes Benz, and Porshe.  They are both in a band that plays local gigs in their area, and since Manny had seen my "Legends" postings on facebook, we talked a lot about music and performing.  We also discussed family, pets, travel, cars, and Spouse's work.

We had a really nice time and I was genuinely surprised to find that 3 hours had elapsed.  Spouse & I invited them to come back and stay with us anytime they wanted a get-away, and they said they would.

Anniversary

Today is my sister Sherry's 37th wedding anniversary.  I was 12 years old and was an usher

at their wedding.

What I find to be very strange is that I still remember this date even though my sister hasn't had a relationship with me in 20 years.  She and my other 2 sisters, and their husbands, and my parents are all Jehovah's Witnesses whose beliefs require them to shun anyone who leaves the JW faith, like me.

Its been 20 years since I disassociated myself from the JW religion and since my family disconnected themselves from me, but I still remember my parents' and siblings' wedding anniversaries.  

Yeah, its a shame I can't celebrate with them but that's just the way it is.

Fantastic dream

Last night I had a fantastic dream!
 
I was walking down the sidewalk on the street where I grew up.  Suddenly I became aware of a scary presence and a feeling of dread.  To try to get away from it I began walking faster and faster until I was running.  The sky became dark and I was running as fast as I could.  I was running so fast that my face down and I could only see directly in front of where I was running.  Just in front of me was a black flowing fabric, like a cape.  It kept the same pace so that it was always just a few inches in front of me.  I was really scared! Suddenly the thought occurred to me to grab hold of the flowing cape, have faith, and stop running.  So I did.

Immediately the cape lifted me up into the sky.  The longer I held on the faster my ascent upward.  I was ascending at such a fast rate that the wind peeled my clothes off.  I felt like I was being carried into outer space, only it wasn't dark.  There was brightness all around me and I wasn't scared at all, despite being lifted far up into the sky.  Then the thought entered my mind to let go of the cape-like fabric, so I did.  I immediately stopped ascending.  I heard a whistle sound followed by a pop, just like the fireworks you hear on the 4th of July.  

Just after the whistle and pop I looked out into the sky and saw a series of images that resonated with me deeply.  It was if I were looking at a slide show projected on an enormous drive-in movie screen in the sky.  The first image was Bill Murray when he was a cast member of the TV show 'Saturday Night Live'.  A few seconds later I saw Gilda Ratner, also from 'Saturday Night Live'.  Then I saw my school picture from 11th grade, circa 1980, wearing a brown print button-up shirt and aviator glasses.  I looked at my arm and saw that I was now wearing the shirt in my school picture.  Then I saw my first car, a pale green Chevrolet Chevette.  These images from my life brought me great joy and happiness!  I used to love watching 'Saturday Night Live' back in 1980 when that school picture was taken and I learned to drive in that Chevette.  I felt very much at peace and not at all concerned about my rapid ascent into the sky.  Am I in heaven?  There was an all-encompassing feeling of joy.

When the giant slide show ended I looked down and realized that I was standing in the isle of a huge outdoor stadium.  As far as my eyes could see there were stadium seats full of people looking up at the sky where the slide show had just finished.  Then coming down the isle to greet me were my father, mother, and my aunt Mary as they looked in 1980.  At this point I realize that I am my current age (49) but they look just like they did in 1980.  We embraced and said hello, although I don't remember any other conversation between us.  Then the 4 of us sat down together in the stadium to watch the next slide show.  The feelings of love and joy continued.

Again I heard the whistle sound followed by the pop like a firework and the next slide show began.  First a grainy, vintage picture of horses in a meadow.  Then 2 dogs playing together in someone's front yard.  Next a vintage red metal tricycle, and then a 1965 Chrysler convertible.  All the images seemed to be from the mid 1960s.  I didn't recognize the images but I felt a deep sense of happiness and joy.  Since the first firecracker sound seemed to announce my arrival and was followed by happy scenes from my life, I assumed that these 1960s images were happy scenes from someone else's life who had just arrived.  But arrived where?

Maybe I was in heaven.  This thought did not make me either happy or sad, although if it were true then I must have died.  Then I silently asked myself if this was heaven, why were my parents and aunt Mary here with me and not with my siblings or with their siblings?

Once again I heard the whistle sound followed by the pop of the firecracker.  I looked back up at the slide show in the sky and saw images I recognized.  They were scenes of happiness for my friend Billy.  I saw his cat Fluffy, then he and I in our matching wool trench coats, Billy making a crazy face, and Billy with his sister.  All of these images seemed to be from 1992.  As if an answer to my silent question, I realized that I was present in the slide show of my happiness in 1980, but I also existed in the slide show of Billy's happiness in 1992.  So this must mean that although my parents existed (sitting next to me) in this stadium, they potentially existed in the happiness and decade of several other people too.  For some reason this was a real comfort to me.  If I were in heaven, then heaven must not be just one thing.  Instead, each person's experience is unique and full of specific joy and happiness for them, while they also exist in the heaven of others.

Yes, I thought to myself, I must be in heaven.  Yet I had no recollection of dying nor any feeling of missing loved ones.  I only felt complete joy and happiness; the opposite of anxiety and worry.

And then I woke up.

The dream was so fantastic I quickly replayed it in my head so I wouldn't forget the details by morning.  Once secure that I had it, I began to wonder why I'd had this dream.  Most scientists say dreams are synaptic firings in the brain that often mesh real life details with unrelated people and places, and that dreams hold no real meaning.  But was there something I could learn from this detail-rich dream?

My first thought was that perhaps the dream was God's/The Universe's way of getting this agnostic skeptic to reconsider a possible belief in heaven.  Having been raised as a Jehovah's Witness I was taught that heaven was a place where angels flew around in white robes playing harps.  Yet the heaven I experienced in my dream was nothing like that, and was far more interesting.  The peace and joy were indescribable.

Next I wondered if the dream was really a metaphor for the dramatic life change I chose.  Maybe the running and being afraid in the dream was the way I ran around constantly busying myself in the JW faith so I wouldn't think about being gay, and the fear that someone would find out.  Maybe grabbing onto the cape, having faith, stopping running, and being lifted up from the darkness and fear into the light and joy symbolized my decision to leave the oppressive religion and choose a life of authenticity for myself.  Maybe the slide show of happy excerpts of my life was a reminder that although I went through a difficult journey, there were still happy times back then that I can reflect upon.  And maybe my existence in my friend Billy's heaven was a confirmation that I had been a good friend to him, and that being good really matters.

Or maybe it was the sinus medicine I took just before I went to bed.  

I'm not sure, but it was a fantastic dream!  And whether or not the dream was a lesson from the Universe or a metaphor of my life choices, I decided it didn't really matter.  I'd never really know for sure one way or the other.  

But isn't that the way it is with so many challenges in life?  We can take them as lessons, metaphors, or simply as entertainment.  

As long as we hear them.

A chance encounter

Last Fri one of the guys Bryan brought a friend Dan with him to Fri Night Dinner with 'the usual suspects'. Dan lives about 2 hours from here but happened to be in town Fri night so he came along with Bryan.

During our dinner conversation Dan happened to mention that his business partner had been raised as a Jehovah's Witness. More for comedic value than anything else, I asked him "What's his name? Maybe I know him." Dan had no idea I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness religion, but he told me his business partner's name anyway (David H), and my eyes widened as big as saucers.

"Oh my god, I DO know him!" To be sure we weren't talking about different guys with the same name, I told Dan the city/state David's family moved to when we were kids, and then I remembered his parents' and sibling's names. Sure enough, it was the same guy!

David's parents and my parents were good friends and lived near one another when we were very young. My father officiated David's parents' wedding! David and I are the same age and were good friends too. Then when we were probably around 10 his family moved away, but they moved to a town not far from where my grandparents lived.

During the years when I was probably about 12-15 years old my parents would let me stay with my grandparents in the country for a couple weeks during summer break from school. I would help them with their garden and enjoy swimming at the 'Big Swimmin' Hole'. It was very rural and there were no other kids around, so one year my parents thought it might be nice if David H would stay with me at my grandparents' house for a few days. We had fun helping my grandparents, exploring in the woods, and swimming.

Since my grandparents' house was super tiny, it was decided that David and I would sleep in their old Shasta camper trailer in the back yard. (When you're that age the idea of sleeping in a camper seems a lot more fun that it does now.) I remember one night after David had fallen asleep, I slid my hand inside the waistband of his underwear ever-so-slowly and gently. It was so amazingly exhilarating when my fingertips reached his pubic hair. Dare I go any further? What if he wakes up? I slowly and carefully continued my exploration until I was sure my heavy breathing would wake him up, so I stopped. I don't think I slept at all that night.

I had no inclination at that time that David was gay. He was just a nice boy in the right place at the right time. Learning from Dan and Bryan that David was gay kind of surprised me. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen him. But David remembered.

Dan texted David: "I'm having dinner w/Bryan and someone who thinks he knows you, Mark in DE". David texted back: "Of course I remember Mark. The last time I saw him was at his grandmother's funeral (1990). His dad married my parents!"

I was so glad to learn that David was doing well. When someone leaves or gets kicked out of the JWs and their family is strict about following the rules like mine, not only do you lose touch with your family, but you have no connection to anyone else who may leave or get kicked out after you. So although David had been 'out' and out of the JWs for years, I had no way of knowing.

Sometimes old JW friends have contacted me in the past by calling Directory Assistance, looking me up in the phone book, and more recently using internet sites designed to help locate people. But both David and I were still JWs the last time we saw each other, so I guess neither of us even thought to look up the other once we'd exited the religion.

I'm just blown away at how a chance meeting with Dan (Bryan's friend) at dinner has allowed me to reconnect with David after all these years. We're now friends on Facebook too, and I am hoping to set up a face-to-face soon so we can catch up.

Crush du Jour: Simon Howard

NYC trip recap: Thurs & Fri

We arrived in NYC on Thurs via BoltBus, which I highly recommend, on schedule at 3:00. We called Lisa at work and she met us a block away at the train station. The 3 of us took the train to her charming co-op in Sunnyside/Queens. It was very overcast and the tops of many sky scrapers were obscured by fog and mist. It was quite a site! I can't believe I didn't take a picture of it.

Lisa made homemade crackers (who knew they were so easy and tasty?) and we snacked on them and cheese and blueberries while we talked and got caught up. Later we changed clothes and took the train back into Manhattan for dinner. We mutually decided on Mexican so Lisa took us to one of her favorites: Salsa y Salsa on 7th Ave at 22nd St in Chelsea. The food was DE-lish, and the cactus pear mojito was a-MAY-zing! After dinner it was misting a little, but we decided to go for a walk anyway. We walked down 7th Ave from 22nd St to Canal St, which was a long way! Then we hopped the train and headed back to Lisa's.

Fri morning we slept in a bit, showered, had a bite to eat at a coffee shop/diner at 40th St and Queens Blvd in Sunnyside, then took the train to Central Park. Believe it or not, I'd never been there. I had the misconception that it was more of a botanical garden, with lots of flowers and blooming trees and bushes. When I voiced this to Spouse he reminded me it was a park; not a garden. The sun was out and the temperature was perfect. We entered the park near the zoo at 60th St and 5th Ave and saw/heard these jazz musicians.
We went to The Lake and saw lots of wildlife.Me in front of a beautiful underpass.

What a wonderful idea to create this lovely, large park in the middle of the city!

I love the way the weeping willow hung in front of Bow Bridge.

My handsome Spouse on Bow Bridge.

I love the mixture of textures: limestone, concrete, foliage, water.

We walked all over the park, traversing back and forth, stopping to rest and enjoy the scenery. Finally we exited the park at 90th St and Central Park West and walked to the train.

We took the train back to Lisa's where Spouse took a late afternoon nap (his favorite luxury) and I read. It was a nice break after all that walking in the park. Feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, we headed back into the city to meet some friends for dinner.

Before we arrived in NYC I had connected with Jesse and Daniel, two gay former Jehovah's Witnesses (JWs) like me, via Facebook. They told me a small group of gay former JWs were meeting for dinner Fri night and invited us to join them, so we did. There we met Jesse, Bobby, Howard, Robert, and Will who all live in NYC, and Daniel who lives in Montreal but was in NYC for a conference. We had wonderful conversations and a very tasty meal at Uncle Nick's Greek Restaurant 9th Ave and 50th St. Such great guys! Unfortunately I forgot to take any photos of them.

Then we walked a few blocks to the hotel where several other bloggers were staying. David Dust had put out a call to his readers inviting everyone to join us in NYC for the weekend. Beth, Zombie Mom, and Kailyn were sharing a suite at the hotel and offered to host a little party, so we headed right over after dinner. Here's Julie, Jesse, and Zombie Mom.

Spouse, Maddie, and Kailyn get acquainted.

Miss Ginger Grant and David Dust write absent bloggers' names on cups so they could 'drink to those who couldn't join us'. Great idea, Ginger!

Beth tries to make sense of all the mayhem, chaos and foolishness.

David, Spouse, and me: the Three Amigos!!

David and Howard flashing their gang sign: Peace, Bitches!

As you might have ascertained, there was some drinking going on. We had a terrific time that seemed to go by all too quickly. Before I knew it, it was nearly 1:00 am and Spouse & I still had to catch the train back to Lisa's, so we bid our new friends goodnight, knowing we'd see them the next day. It was rather amazing to feel the sense of 'community' that had been created due to the blogging of some pretty terrific people whom we now count as friends.

Tune in tomorrow for photos and stories from Christopher St, the Hudson River Park, and the Drunken Dust Bunnies' West Village Gay Bar Tour!

Crush du Jour: Matthew Morrison

What would YOU do?

A few months ago when Spouse & I were back in VA, I went to Freddie's to sing karaoke, have a few cocktails, and hang out with a few friends. It was fun!

Spouse had asked me not to stay out too late, so I decided I'd leave the bar at 11:30 which would put me back at his mom's house before midnight.

At about 11:15 I sang my last song, and then began saying my goodbyes to my buddies so I could get out of there by 11:30. As I was heading toward the door, a woman reached out and touched my arm and complimented me on the song I'd just sung. I smiled and thanked her sincerely for the compliment. She introduced herself, but I don't recall her name now. Then I looked at the man sitting next to her and I immediately got a sick, uncomfortable feeling.

I knew that man. It had been almost 20 years since I'd seen him last, and the years showed on his weary face, but I recognized him. It was 'Larry' (not his real name), one of the Elders to whom I had confessed my homosexuality almost 20 years ago.

My mind was racing. What is Larry doing at Freddie's, a primarily gay bar? What time is it?Who is this woman (not the woman he was married to 20 years ago) sitting next to him? Am I going to be late? I wonder if he recognizes me? Should I say something to him? Did I wear a jacket in here?

Larry looked at me and said "I bet you don't remember me."

"Yes, I believe I do." I replied. "You're Larry Miller." He closed his eyes as he smiled, and said "Wow, you've got a good memory!"

I decided against reminding him of the humiliation I'd undergone in front of him and the other 2 elders so many years before, as I poured my heart out and then waited for the consolation that never came. In fact, my memory was quite clear when it came to him and that terrible time in my life. It was traumatic and emotionally draining. But I wasn't mad at him at all. Not now.

"Its been a long time" I said.

"It has" he agreed. "You look good... happy."

"Thank you, yes I am. Happier than ever." I immediately regretted saying that, for fear that I might sound like I was overcompensating for something, the way people do when they are lying.

"Well that's good" he replied.

The tension was so thick, and I really wasn't sure I wanted the conversation to go any further, so I decided to end it. Quickly.

"Listen, I hope I don't sound abrupt, but I'm running late so I really have to go now." I turned back to the woman and said "It was nice meeting you." Then I looked back at Larry and said "And it was a surprise seeing you again."

I slipped out the door and up the street in the cold night air to my car. That's when hindsight kicked in.

Why hadn't I asked Larry how he was doing, and what he was doing? What did I have to lose?

But then I began to answer that question in my head. There were lots of possible answers. The woman could have been his sister, cousin, or some other female relative. They might not have known Freddie's was a primarily gay bar. Larry might still be an active member of the JW religion, in which case he is not permitted to socialize with me. He obviously knew my status.

But it was Larry who initiated the conversation with me. It was also he who commented that I seemed happy; something an active JW shouldn't do if speaking to someone who is no longer a JW, which he also shouldn't be doing.

Fast forward a few months to today. For some unknown reason the situation above came back to my memory. I hadn't thought about it since it happened, but today I recalled it again.

I decided to do a Zabasearch on Larry's name to see if it would return any address or phone information, and voila! There it was: Larry's name, address, and phone number. His real name is uncommon, and there was only 1 response, in the same general area where he lived 20 years ago. Also, the date of birth on the record would make him about the right age. I knew it was him.

So, if I want to call him, I can. But do I want to? Is there something I want to say? Something I want to ask him? Is there something I want to know? Might I unknowingly be opening Pandora's box by calling him? Might this call upset my peaceful, comfortable life? Might I be better off letting sleeping dogs lie?

I'm not sure I've ever been this indecisive before in my life.

What would YOU do, and why?

Crush du Jour: Justin Baldoni

Heaven

Most people's idea of heaven has to do with one's soul transcending from earth to a spirit realm full of light and eternal happiness where they will be reunited with their deceased loved one. Typically one thinks of heaven being inhabited by God, Jesus, angels, and the souls of good people.

Other people's idea of heaven has to do with lots and lots of chocolate.

I'm not quite sure what I believe about heaven. I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness religion and taught that most deceased people do not go to heaven, but await a resurrection to life on earth again, after Armageddon. But like most JW teachings, I no longer subscribe to this.

But if the concept is true that people are reunited with loved ones in heaven, how does this work?

Let's say that Martha was married to Charles for 15 years, until he died of a heart attack. Then a few years later Martha marries Tom. 10 years later Martha dies of cancer. A few years later Tom marries Judith, and both die of old age.

Martha loved Charles, and she loved Tom. Which 'loved one' is she reunited with in heaven?

Tom loved Martha, and he loved Judith. Which 'loved one' is he reunited with in heaven?

As you can see, it can get tricky.

But this question was answered for me in the movie 'The Five People You Meet in Heaven', based on Mitch Albom's book by the same title. In it the lead character Eddie dies and goes to heaven, but it is NOT what he was expecting. No angels, no eternal happiness, at least not at first.

Eddie learns that upon arriving in heaven each person meets 5 people whose lives he affected while on earth. I expected scenes that would show the positive affects on other lives, such as Eddie mowing the lawn for a grateful widowed neighbor, or perhaps a former employee Eddie mentored. But instead, the 1st of 5 people Eddie meets in heaven is a man who died as a result of Eddie's childhood behavior!

But the 4th person Eddie meets in heaven is his beloved wife, Marguerite. She is the one who answers MY question of which 'loved one' we are reunited with in heaven. She explains that heaven is not a single place or state. Rather, after meeting one's 5 people, each of us receives our very own unique heaven.

Eddie's wife loved attending weddings, so her heaven was a never-ending wedding, with laughing and dancing and happiness and joy. Once Eddie died, he was present with her in her heaven.

Eddie grew up around and worked for many years in an amusement park, so his heaven was an amusement park. Its always warm and sunny, there are hundreds of happy families, and his wife Marguerite is present with him in his heaven.

So, each person gets their own unique heaven AND they are present in other people's heavens too. Get the picture? This would allow Martha, Charles, Tom, and Judith to all have different heavens with their 'loved one' present with them.

Of course, this is just a movie. But since no one can successfully prove what heaven is or is not, I choose to believe in the heaven portrayed in this movie. To me it makes the most sense, and it answers my question.

I believe my heaven will be a warm, sunny, breezy day on the beach, with Spouse and many other friends sitting in beach chairs beside me. On the radio Ella Fitzgerald will be singing, and my Cadillac (Big Ella) will be parked just over the dunes. That sounds like heaven to me!

So, what does your heaven look like?

Crush du Jour: Jason Chambers