Ennui

I know its very unlike me to post twice in the same day, but I have something to share, and this is really my only outlet.

Since Sun I have not felt like myself. I have no ambition, no drive. Nothing seems to interest or excite me. I feel 'flat'. Bored.

At first I chalked it up to post-holiday blues. We'd had a wonderful visit from The Newlyweds, and of course the Doo-Dah parade. Sun after The Newlyweds left I did nothing but watch TV, spend time on the computer, and snack. I never even got dressed.

As the week went on I thought perhaps my lack of feeling fabulous might be due work being so slow. Its typical for the week of and after a holiday to be slow for my work. I thought that if I had more to do, I would feel more sense of accomplishment and therefore, more fabulous.

That wasn't it. I had enough to do yesterday to keep from being bored, but after finishing the work I still felt the same way. Dim. Almost numb. Void of sparkle. And, I have a 2 projects related to my new position that I should be working on with enthusiasm and excitement. But I just can't get myself 'into' the work.

In the past when I've had a day or two like this, I found it helpful to treat myself to a delicious feast featuring my favorite foods. But today I can just tell that no amount of Panang Curry, no Chimichanga, no Mediterranean hummus and olives would do the trick.

Times like these are when I actually think seriously for a few minutes about legally changing my name to something more dramatic or elegant, like Rex Carlson or Devon Wainwright.

Times like these almost make me want to piss somebody (anybody!) off, just to be able to get into a spirited verbal exchange.

I mentioned to Spouse (a social worker and therapist by training) how I've been feeling all week, and after blinking a few times, he supplied me with the obvious answer: "Well, snap out of it." Of course! Just snap out it. Why hadn't I thought of that? I'm sure his flippant reply was only because he knows me so well and knows this will pass. Far be it from him to contribute to my malaise by appearing concerned, for appearing concerned might give me the impression that there was actually something to be concerned about. (Because I know him so well, I know that's how he thinks.)

Now, I can hear what you're thinking: "You're just depressed", but I don't think so. I mean, I've usually known the causes of past, brief spats of depression. Family issues, disappointment, no money, getting fired, argument with Spouse, etc. When I was depressed I always knew why. But this is different. I really have no idea why I'm in the doldrums.

Coincidentally I was reminded of the name of my malady while reading Java's blog today. Its called ennui. (The malady, not her blog.) Apparently dear Java has been experiencing a bit of the same.

On this, the 6th day of my season of discontent, I was almost afraid to try my 'sure thing', for fear that if even that didn't work, there might be something really wrong with me. Surely there was nothing so bad that my 'sure thing' couldn't fix. Was there?

But I got so darn bored that, while making my lunch, I succumbed and put my 'sure thing' to the test. I put on "Supermodel" by RuPaul and danced and lip-synched the entire number flawlessly. Even the LaWanda Page intro: "Once upon a time, there was a little Black girl, in the Brewster projects of Detroit Michigan. At 15, she was spotted by an Ebony Fashion Fair talent scout, and her modeling career took off."

I felt the return of some fabulousness, for sure. But unfortunately, it was short-lived. By the time I finished my sandwich and placed my dishes in the dishwasher, ennui had sat right back down on my shoulders like a sumo wrestler.

So, maybe tonight after dinner with 'the usual suspects' I will go out and sing karaoke at the Purple Parrot. Singing has been known to lift my spirits. Well, that and an inappropriate level of adoration from a few half-drunk patrons.

Crush du Jour: Koby Abberton