Funeral

Spouse & I arrived at the hotel in PA at 5:30 and greeted his mom, sister, and 2 brothers who had arrived a little earlier.  After a brief visit with them, we changed clothes and went to funeral home.  Only this one isn't called a funeral home, its called a Life Celebration Center.  Isn't that sweet?  Its almost cheery enough to make you forget that someone died, only that's the reason you're there.

The viewing was from 6-9pm, and we arrived about 6:15.  There was already a line to view the body (which is always creepy in my opinion) and greet Aunt Antoinette and Uncle Domenic's 2 sons, Anthony and Fiorenzo.  Spouse & I were happy that so many of his cousins came from both near and far.  Several of us visited in the anteroom while those in line paid their respects.  There were several photo collages assembled to showcase Uncle Domenic and those he loved.  A TV in the anteroom ran a slide show of even more photos.

We were impressed with the number of people who came, but I guess we shouldn't have been surprised since Uncle Domenic & Aunt Antoinette went to the same church for many years, had the same neighbors for many years, belonged to the same social groups (including the Sons of Italy) for many years, and were active in their community.  Spouse whispered that some of those who came to the viewing looked as if they could be extras from "The Sopranos".  I whispered back that we were on the set of "My Big Fat Catholic Italian Funeral".  When the line finally subsided at nearly 8:30, we paid our respects and and offered kind words to Aunt Antoinette, Anthony, and Fiory.

Since none of us had eaten dinner, Spouse's mom, sister, and 2 brothers went with us to a Mexican restaurant near our hotel.

The next morning we arrived at the church at 9:45 for the funeral which was supposed to start at 10am.  Spouse's sister sat with us in the back rather than in the front pews reserved for family because Spouse did not want to be 'obvious' about not going up to partake in communion.  We whispered to each other as we saw cousins and their spouses and children arrive, but there was no sign of Aunt Antoinette or Uncle Domenic's coffin.  Spouse asked "What time is it?"  I looked at my silenced phone and responded "10:04."  Without missing a beat Spouse said "Uncle Domenic is going to be late for his own funeral."

This struck me as absolutely hilariously funny and I struggled like Mary Tyler Moore at Chuckles the Clown's funeral to restrain my laughter.  

I usually don't have much in common with Catholic theology but I must say that the Priest's funeral sermon was probably one of the most practical, uplifting, yet sensitive I've ever heard.  He spoke of having talked with Domenic days prior to his death and shared that Domenic was not sad or scared of his imminent death.  According to the Priest Domenic said he'd lived a long and good life, had a wonderful family, and knew that what was waiting for him on the other side was even better.  He was ready to go.  I thought this was likely comforting to those who share his belief in Heaven, and was certainly more personal than just reading archaic Bible verses.  There were likely 150 people there.

After the funeral mass the family and some others went to the cemetery (next to a freeway) for a short reading.  Everyone was handed flowers to place on the coffin.  Fortunately they did not lower the coffin into the grave until everyone had left.  (I remember that horrible detail when my grandmother died many years ago, which I find to be unnecessarily brutal.)  Then we all went to a local restaurant for a luncheon.

A woman named Nancy and her husband were seated at the table with Spouse's mom, sister, cousin, brother, and the 2 of us.  Nancy had met Spouse's mom before, but asked how each of us was related to her.  When it came to me, I said I was her son-in-law.  However, later in the conversation Spouse's sister mentioned that her husband was not here.  Nancy looked back at me and asked "How are you related again?"  My blue eyes and pale complexion made it obvious that I wasn't a blood relative.  I repeated "I'm Evelyn's son-in-law."  Nancy said pointing at Spouse's sister "But her husband isn't here and she's the only daughter, right?"  There was a brief pause and then I said calmly "That's right.  I'm married to him" and pointed to Spouse.  Nancy looked confused.  "You're married?" she asked, to which I responded "Yes..." and smiled.  "Where did you get married?" she asked.  "In our living room" I answered.  "Did you have a Justice of the Peace?" she inquired.  "No, our very good friend was a pastor so he married us." I answered.  Additional questions followed and I began to wonder if the others at the table were getting uncomfortable with this extended inquisition, but I decided to capitalize on the opportunity to share with this 70-something year old Catholic woman how 2 gay men live, love, and marry.

While I'd prefer to never attend another funeral, I can see why many cultures still perpetuate the practice.  To some it provides closure.  It offers family, friends, and neighbors an opportunity to provide comfort.  In our case, it created a non-negotiable date for far-flung family member to return home and share remembrances, commune, laugh, cry.  As I age, I suppose I will have to attend funerals with greater frequency than I have in the past.  Hopefully I'll be seated with more Nancys.

Road trip

Today I am working a 1/2 day (I have a final walk-thru followed by a settlement) and am then coming home to prepare for our road trip.  Spouse has taken the full day off.

We are leaving this afternoon for PA to attend the viewing and funeral of Spouse's uncle Domenic.  He had been in poor health for many years.  The viewing is tonight from 6-9pm and the funeral is tomorrow at 9am.  Uncle Domenic was Spouse's father's brother.  Since he and his wife, Aunt Antoinette, lived in PA we did not see them very often.  Neither of them should be making interstate car trips, and we only made it up to PA a couple times to see them in the last several years.  Fortunately we did attend their big 50th anniversary party a few years back.

Uncle Domenic made a wonderful impression on me the very 1st time I met him and Aunt Antoinette when they were visiting Spouse's parents.  The house was full of relatives and when I referred to him as Domenic he stopped me mid-sentence.  Pointing to the family members in the room he said to me "Hey, all these people call me Uncle Domenic.  In my eyes you are just as much family as they are, so you call me Uncle Domenic too."

Obviously with my family situation (Jehovah's Witnesses who shunned me when I came out), this warm acknowledgement of my place in his family was certainly appreciated.

Spouses's mother, sister, and 2 of his brothers will also be arriving this afternoon for the viewing and tomorrow's funeral.  According to facebook, several of Spouse's cousins have flown in.  Hopefully it will be an occasion to pay our respects but also reconnect and share some happy, upbeat moments too.

Weekend highlights

I worked Sat from 9-11am, then came home to pick up Spouse and meet the others who were caravaning to Rusty's memorial service. It was being held in his family's small country church about an hour away.  Steven & Thad, the Bobs, Joe P, Chris, Dennis & Rasaahn carpooled with us.  It was a record-breakingly hot day, 105 degrees.  The little church had air conditioning but it wasn't sufficient.  There was a visitation hour scheduled before the service, but the visitation had to be extended due to the number of people who showed up to pay their respects.  Rusty worked at the same place for 27 years and many of his colleagues from over years were there, as well as many other friends like us from the beach area.  The service was about 30 minutes long and was about as uplifting as a funeral can be.  I was glad I had thought ahead and brought 2 pocket-size packages of tissues.  I shared 1 package with those sitting close to me, and the other package I gave to a couple standing in the visitation line near my isle seat.  One of the guys was sniffling and wiping tears from his cheeks with his hand.  Without saying a word I simply pressed the tissue package against his arm.  He mouthed the words 'thank you' and I just nodded my head.  At 1 point I was struck by the beauty of sorrow.  Of course its terrible to lose someone you love and a natural reaction to this is tears.  But as I looked at so many people crammed into that tiny church full of sorrow and tears, I was struck by the beauty of it all.  Strange, I know.

When we returned home from the funeral Spouse's brother Louis and his wife Karen were here.  They had asked if they could visit with us and stay over night since they were taking the ferry the next day to Cape May.  We had a snack together, visited for a few hours, and played with Marvin.  Louis is a huge dog fan and he got a kick out of little Marvin Parker.  That evening we had dinner together at Bethany Blues BBQ and then talked until bedtime.

Sun morning we had coffee at home, then decided to go to breakfast.  Since I had to be at work at 10 I drove separately.  I worked til 1pm, then Spouse & I went grocery shopping and took Marvin for a short walk since it was still so darn hot.  That evening we had dinner at Steven & Thad's house along with Joe P and 1 of the Bobs.  In honor of our friend Rusty who had given us 2 bottles of 'discounted' sparkling wine last New Years Eve, we used the sparkling wine to make Champagne Darlings and toasted Rusty.  It seemed fitting.