Permanency

I really enjoyed our Christmas decorations this year.  They really were beautiful and brought me quite a bit of enjoyment.  In fact, I enjoyed them so much that I convinced Spouse to keep them up longer than he wanted to.  Since I had this past weekend off work, we agreed to do it then. We started with the outdoor lights, then the Christmas tree, and then the inside decor.  It took both of us 5 hours to disassemble everything, pack it all up, and put it away, so 10 man hours all together.  It was worth it.

Despite its lack of permanency, the holiday decor was still beautiful.  This theme was echoed to me on Sun when I went to the theatre to see "Call Me By Your Name".  I should probably warn of possible 'spoilers', but if you know anything at all about the movie then what I'm going to share isn't really a 'spoiler'.  In the film Oliver is a graduate student spending 6 weeks as an intern for a professor at his family's summer home.  The professor's 17 year old son Elio develops an attraction to Oliver who eventually gives in to Elio's desire.  (All of that is shown or insinuated in the trailer below.)

At the end of the film, just after Oliver's departure, the professor delivers a tender, loving soliloquy to Elio about feelings and permanency.  

He tells Elio that he is very lucky to have had such a special friendship, perhaps more, with Oliver.  He says that many people do not experience something that beautiful their entire lives.  And while he is now feeling the pain of loss, he should not try to repress or blank it out.  He tells Elio that it is better to feel than to not feel.  Only by feeling something wonderful can you also understand the feeling of pain.  He cautions Elio never to choose feeling nothing over feeling pain.  The fact that something wonderful ends does not negate it being wonderful.  Its non-permanency does not make it a failure.

I found this to be a profound declaration; one that I've struggled to verbalize over the years.  

Those of us who have been in relationships that didn't end up being permanent can still remember the good times in those relationships.  No doubt we laughed, loved, and learned in those relationships. But because they weren't permanent, the world has a way of considering them "failed relationships" which is just not true.  We have still experienced something wonderful even if it wasn't permanent, regardless of whether its end was by choice or by circumstances.

I believe this a key to not regretting the past.  We are not failures and our relationships were not failed as long as we know there was goodness, fun, or something positive experienced.  

In my case my 1st relationship (if you want to call it that) was not balanced.  I was more smitten and willing to move-heaven-and-earth than him, which was not his fault.  But we had some good times, and its end was by circumstances.  But what I learned was that a long distance relationship was not for me.  I needed someone who'd be physically present the majority of the time.

In my 2nd relationship I wanted to be 'out and proud' and strive for greater authenticity, but he was satisfied living a quiet and inconspicuous life.  I felt I just couldn't compromise, and he felt he didn't want to, so it ended by choice.  But we had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs!  I learned much about life and about myself.  It was a time of huge personal growth for me.  What I took away from this relationship was that I now knew who I wanted to become and what I would accept and not accept from a partner.

Neither of these were 'failed relationships' because they weren't permanent.  I have memories of wonderfulness experienced in both of these relationships, and both were stepping stones on my path.

20 things

I can't remember where I saw this, but I thought it was interesting enough to share.

20 Things to Do in your Relationships 

• Free yourself from people who are always negative
• Let go of people who are already gone from your life
• Give those you don't know a fair chance
• Show everyone kindness and respect
• Accept people just the way they are
• Encourage others and cheer for them
• Be your imperfectly perfect self
• Truly forgive people and move forward
• Do little unexpected things for others everyday
• Be loyal
• Stay in better touch with those who matter the most to you
• Keep your promises and always tell the truth
• Give what you want to receive
• Say what you mean and mean what you say
• Allow others to make their own decisions
• Talk less and listen more
• Recognize when an argument is petty and stop it
• Pay attention to your relationship with yourself
• Pay attention to who your real friends are
• Ignore unconstructive, hurtful commentary

Breakin' up is hard to do

One of my favorite songs to sing at karaoke is "Breakin' Up is Hard to Do", the ballad version from the 70s, not the doo-wop version from 1962. Not because I particularly identify with the lyrics which are rather sad, but because the melody fits perfectly in my voice range. The piano accompaniment is beautiful too.

I don't particularly identify with the lyrics because they are a plea to a lover not to leave, which has never been an experience of mine. But I try to imagine when I sing this song what it would feel like to utter these words and really mean them, because that makes the song sound better and more authentic.

It seems rare that the decision to split up is mutual. Most often 1 makes the decision to leave in their heart long before the conversation is had between the couple. While breakin' up may be hard to do, it happens. Its hard on the 2 who are breaking up, and its hard on those who are friends with the couple. Its sad and it hurts. But life goes on.

Several years ago a couple with whom Spouse & I were friends decided to split up. For us this was no big deal because we liked 1 of the guys much more than the other, who could be accurately characterized as a 'loose cannon'. When they split up and it became known that they were not going to remain friends afterward, we knew we'd maintain our friendship with the 1 we had always liked best.

But just recently we learned that another couple with whom Spouse & I are friends have split up. It was not a mutual decision, but they claim they will remains friends. This means that we should be able to maintain our friendship with both of them, since we didn't have a clear favorite.

But what happens if/when 1 of them starts dating? Do you invite both halves of the former couple AND the 1 guy's new boyfriend to your party? Is that disrespectful to the single guy? Might he feel uncomfortable seeing his ex with a new man, especially since the single guy did not initiate the break-up? I want to include them both but don't want to upset either.

Of course a friend wants to be supportive of the 1 who did not initiate the break-up, lending them a figurative shoulder to cry on. But how do you react if they want to speak negatively of the 1 who left them that is still your friend?

Indeed, breaking up is hard on those who are friends with the former couple.

Like the former couple, I guess I will have to get used to the fact that they aren't together anymore and learn how to deal with it. Is there a song about that?

Crush du Jour: David Burtka