Thursday, August 30, 2007

How ridiculous!

A friend sent me the following article, to which I just had to shake my head in disbelief. ... x_toy_law_no_vibrators_allowed
Author: Gita M. Smith

In Alabama, guns are sold everywhere, but sex toys are banned. Now the state law banning the sale of vibrators may go before the U.S. Supreme Court. The case will garner a lot of attention.

In Alabama, you can sell guns on any street corner but you can't sell sex toys. That's right. Alabama is a vibrator-free state!

Well, technically you can go across state lines and buy sex toys in Georgia and Tennessee and carry them home. But the Alabama Legislature, in its infinite wisdom and in the spirit of protecting citizens from moral turpitude, a while back banned the sale of sex toys (or "marital aids" as some lawmakers coyly call them).

Today, the U.S. Supreme Court has shown a gleam of interest in this controversial state law, which has been challenged in Alabama courts by adult toy retailer Sherri Williams. She has been fighting the law for nearly 10 years.

Williams has been in district court three times on this issue and has won twice. But both times her victories were struck down by the U.S. 11th Circuit Court of Appeals. She filed a petition to the Supremes and has hired well-known First Amendment rights attorney Paul Cambria. Also joining in the appeal petition with Williams are the Free Speech Coalition and the First Amendment Lawyers Association.

(At the very least, this case seems to be a restraint-of-trade case as much as anything else, since the devices are sold in all the neighboring states. You'd think she would win on that, alone.)

Anyway, the Supremes have informed the state of Alabama that it must file an answering brief with the High Court, which is an indication that the case might be taken up in the next session. If so, I would like to be a fly on the wall when oral arguments are heard.

SCALLIA: You say that the sale of the Twizzler-Twister should be banned?
ALABAMA GUY: Yes,Your Honor.
ALITO: And the Buzzer-Master?
ALABAMA GUY: Yes, that too.
THOMAS: What about the coke can with the fake pubic hair?
ALABAMA GUY: That one doesn't vibrate, so that one's okay.
THOMAS: Whew! Thank goodness.

But seriously folks, I am hoping that y'all have stopped snickering at the Victorian attitudes of our fine Alabama lawmakers because I want to talk for a minute about sexual attitudes in the Land O' Cotton.

There is, and always has been, a strong strain of paternalism among lawmakers down here. And that paternalistic attitude makes them believe that they are the keepers of the Moral Keys. Us wee folk need protecting from sexual pleasures derived from plastic thingies made in China.

The same lawmakers also have protected Alabamians from the glittering vice dens called casinos, the dangerous Mega-Ball lotteries and betting parlors. All for our own good.

They do, however, let us have SOME fun. We have fireworks stores at every interstate exit. We can buy all manner of guns easily and openly as long as we are of legal age. And we can shoot off the aforementioned fireworks and guns pretty much wherever and whenever we want.

In other words we are free to blow ourselves up at will. We just can't blow up a dolly with big red lips and openings in her lifelike vinyl self.

Drag Queen name of the day: Patty Sausage

1 comment:

tornwordo said...

That would be a great one for court tv. I like your imagined dialog. lol