Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My Lifetime movie

Very often for lunch I have a meat and cheese sandwich (usually turkey or ham), followed by a handful of nuts and a handful or two of dried fruit. I love nuts and dried fruit, and think of them as more healthy choices to accompany my sandwich. Typically I follow the sandwich, nuts, and dried fruit with a tall glass of water.

And that's when it hit me: an idea for a terrific Lifetime Movie Network movie! (Or 'Lifeline' Movie Network as Spouse's mother calls it.)

Here's the plot:
A mentally disturbed man kidnaps a pretty woman from the parking lot of a grocery store. He chloroforms her then slides her in the back seat of his car and drives off. He brings her to his house located in the rural outskirts of town. There are no nearby neighbors, so screaming for help when she awakens is pointless. He locks her in a 'cell' he's created in his basement whenever he leaves the house for work, but allows her to move about the house while he's at home. All the doors have locks that must be opened with a key from both the outside and inside so she can't escape while his back is turned.

The sick man doesn't mistreat the young woman, he just wants her to love him, cook and clean for him, and be his wife. Since he's mentally ill he does not understand that kidnapped women generally don't fall in love with their captors and marry them.

The young woman is grateful that he is not mistreating her, so she agrees to cook meals, clean the house, and even eat dinner with her captor. This goes on for two weeks. She is pleasant to him, and even suggests she could give him a grocery list so he could get the necessary ingredients for her to make him some of her favorite recipes. The mentally ill man begins to think his plan of winning over the young woman is working. He takes the list to the grocery store the next day.

The woman makes her captor her "world famous chili", only she loads it up with lots of salt and spices which will make the man thirsty. For dessert she gives him a fruity pound cake that contains lots of dried fruit. Raisins, cranberries, blueberries, apricots, apples, pears, pineapple - every dried fruit she could think of.

The man eats the chili, then the cake, and washes it all down with a large glass of water. She eats very little of the chili and none of the cake, explaining that she wants to keep her figure. The man assumes she wants to keep her figure for him, and is pleased with how well his plan is working.

Shortly after the dinner though, he feels thirsty again, due to all the salt and spices in the chili, so he has another large glass of water. Later, despite feeling very full, he has another large glass of water. Unbeknownst to him, all the water he's drinking rehydrates the dried fruit, causing it to expand in his stomach!

In minutes he feels bloated and uncomfortable. Eventually he is so uncomfortable he thinks he must use the bathroom to get relief, but it doesn't help. The rehydrating fruit continues to expand in his stomach, leaving him moaning in pain.

As he exits the bathroom, the young woman is standing outside the door, ready. She cracks him over the head with a frying pan and he drops to the floor. She reaches inside his pocket and pulls out his the keys, unlocks the door, and escapes in the crazy man's own car.

Thanks to all the quality films shown on Lifetime, there is no shortage of washed-up actresses to star in my movie: Valerie Bertinelli, Melissa Gilbert, Meredith Baxter-Burney. I can't decide!

So, how do you spend your lunch break?

Crush du Jour: Sean Harley


Anonymous said...

I prefer fresh fruit to dried fruit though will do dried in a pinch.

Good Lifetime (The Cramp Channel TM) movie plot though. You even keep up the "Evil, Evil man" theme.

CJ said...

Well, they say you are what you eat. :)I guess Planters, Whole Foods, and Ozarka could be the sponsors.
I'd rather eat Mr Harley. You're so self disciplined. I can't help but admire.

cb said...

I much prefer the "pop rock pie" and diet coke method.

Breenlantern said...

I totally thought you were going to say the "grocery list" is actually a note for help, but the man can't read and doesn't know it, so the tore clerk calls the police and they save her.

I choreograph dance routines in the musical of my life starring my friends...songs, costumes, dance moves and dialogue...

Joy said...

At first your movie scenario sounded like the 50's of Revolutionary Road, but then it took a turn some of those women should have used. Funny!

Steven said...

We could be looking at emmy award-winning material here. ;-)

I also have double-sided locks on my doors (thanks to so much glass), and this story gives me some great ideas. ;-)

Obviously Sean Harley wasn't the captor with that slim stomach!